I talked early on during this marathon about how nostalgia can really work wonders on how a movie makes you feel. A mediocre movie that you would watch whenever you were sick can seem like the best movie ever because of the warm fuzzies you feel thinking about the good ol' days. This is a movie that a love of people love so very much. For many, it was the Christmas tradition. Having a Christmas party? Pop A Christmas Story in for the background! Everyone's seen it, so they can just pop in and out whenever!
Well, I never saw this as a kid. I once went to a party where it was on, like described above, but I didn't really watch it because again, I'd never seen it before and watching it at a party is not the right atmosphere for your first time. I say all this to preface the fact this movie a little hard to relate to if you didn't grow up with it or you didn't live during the 40s.
I'm not saying that the movie can't be enjoyable if neither of those requirements apply to you, but without them, the movie becomes nothing really that special. Truth be told, there're are really only two things in this movie that I can relate to, wanting a toy gun and being told no by my mom (more from the "guns are bad" mentality than "you'll shoot your eye out," but I definitely heard that a time or two), and what hits more closely to home: eating Chinese food on Christmas. Although, to be fair, we usually went to perpetuate the stereotypes of Jews eating Chinese food and going to the movies. I had planned on seeing The Interview this Christmas, but that whole debacle ruined those plans, so I saw the wonderful Big Hero 6 instead.
Anyway, the story is actually very simple. Ralphie wants a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas, his mom says no because he'll shoot his eye out, his dad gets it anyway, then he shoots hit eye (thank god for glasses!), the end.
Yes, there were other things that happened, but really its just filling in days until Christmas. It is interesting that the film is a memory, so some things don't really happen they way we see them play out. For example we see the teacher as the Wicked Witch of the West at one point, which is one of several references to The Wizard of Oz, which helps to date the movie some time shortly after 1939, since the movie itself doesn't give a date. Speaking of the teacher, there's a gross scene early on when all the kids "prank" the teacher by wearing fake teeth.
Got 'em!
The teacher then has everyone come and put the teeth in her hand so she can put them in her drawer of shit she's confiscated from the kids. Like it's disgusting that she takes the teeth directly from mouth to hand. From like 30 kids. That's a lot bacteria all up on your hands. Ugh. Gross.
There were also a few lines that wouldn't be as kosher today, for example: "The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader, and he was twice as shrewd." Pretty sure we shouldn't be saying that anymore. Another line about the father that I particularly liked was one describing his use of foul language. "He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master." It's just such a lovely way to look at cursing, and lord knows I love cursing.
So again, without nostalgia, the movie was fine, though nothing particularly special, at least as far as I could see. That said, I would never question why someone might love this movie, it's just not gonna become my tradition.
This may be hard to believe, but there was once a time in cinema history where nearly every film being released was in 3D. Yes, it was many years ago in the late aughts and tweens of the 21st century, and thanks to a little indy flick called Avatar, it seemed like a movie couldn't be made without being in 3D. Some subversive films took the concept and used the technology as a means of satire against the 3D culture itself. Pioneers like Jackass 3D utilized this tech first as a play on words because that was the third movie in the trilogy, but also as a means of comedy. No one at the time was launching dildos (or is it dildoes?) into the audience's faces, but the makers of Jackass 3D realized somebody needed to. This groundbreaking film blazed a trail for A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas to really bring home the 3D satire.
The movie takes place several years after the event of the second film, and things aren't looking good for our favorite stoner duo in a movie trilogy. See Harold has abandoned much of his stoner past, focusing on his wife, Maria, and hopefully starting a family. Kumar on the other hand seems to be spiraling down into full-on burn out mode. He and Vanessa have broken up, he's got an intense break-up beard, and he's harassing Patton Oswalt who plays a weed-dealing mall Santa. Things are really looking grim. A new friend of his asks Kumar to come out and party with him, but Kumar refuses saying, "No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high." Number one, it's sad to see Kumar become basically addicted to pot, which is a somewhat ridiculous thing to say, but he's in a bad place. And number two, he's invited to a party, just bring the weed?
Really how depressing he is being, Kumar agrees to go out, but finds a package on his doorstep addressed to Harold, who hasn't lived there in years. He decides to bring the package over to Harold's new place, which is decorated to high heaven with Christmas lights and lawn ornaments. The reasoning for this is that Maria's Christmas loving family is coming. The father, by the way, is played by Danny Trejo, possibly the most terrifying man on the planet. When Kumar arrives, Harold is decorating the tree which Maria's father brought all the way from Mexico where he grew it himself. The strange package contains a giant joint, which Kumar promptly lights up. After explaining that he doesn't smoke anymore, Harold throws it out the window, only to be blown back in a different window and lights the tree on fire.
Thus begins the main storyline, finding a new tree to replace Maria's father's. Joining on the adventure is one of Harold's new friends, an overly protective fuddy-duddy father of a toddler, played by Thomas Lennon. Seeing him play a stick-up-the-butt, straight-laced guy is hilarious. Actually, everything he does is hilarious.
So, much like all the other Harold & Kumar movies, things constantly go from bad to worse, as each minor screw up becomes a major catastrophe, including a car chase, mobster's party, a musical number, and being saved by a robot. Yes, there's a helpful robot. His name is Wafflebot and he's awesome. Oh, and as mentioned, the musical number is led by Neil Patrick Harris, who is somehow back from the dead after being shot by Beverly D'Angelo in the previous film. As NPH explains, he was sent to heaven, which is a nightclub owned by Jesus (played by Nick from New Girl), but when he started poaching girls from JC, Christ called his dad to have NPH sent back to earth. Makes perfect sense.
Also, because this is a Christmas movie, there's a claymation scene as an homage to those classic Christmas videos. You may think it's strange that an animated scene would occur in the middle of a live action movie, but don't worry, it's explained by the two of them being served LSD-tainted drinks.
Lessons are learned, and everything works out in the end, with Harold and Kumar's friendship back to normal. I've only seen this in 3D, so I can't speak to how enjoyable it is without the 3D, but if you've got a 3D TV or have a friend who does or whatever, and you liked the first two films, this one is definitely worth a watch. I mean, it's more of the same type of humor, but that's every comedy sequel.
If you've never seen a National Lampoon's Vacation movie, let me give you a quick rundown. Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase) is basically the human form a dad joke and enjoys taking vacations with his family. They've gone to theme parks, Europe, Las Vegas, and even space in National Lampoon's Out of this World Vacation. That last one was obviously a joke, but the others are real movies. In this particular one, the Griswalds don't go anywhere, but instead brings all the family to their house to celebrate Christmas.
First of all, the credits are adorable. It's this cute little animated sequence that's essentially a Looney Toons episode starring Santa. In other words, it's one of those anything that can go wrong does go wrong with a bunch of physical humor. The humor of the credits is a good representation of the humor of the actual movie. In addition, the song is an original song written for the movie, which doesn't really happen anymore and that makes me sad. The last movie with an original song for the credits that I can think of is Rat Race, but there could be others.
Anyway, the movie opens with the Griswalds on their way into the countryside to cut down their own tree. You also meet the main family for the first time and how all the family is recognizable. First, the mom is played by Beverly D'Angelo, whom you may know as the pimp from Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, who kills NPH. The daughter is Juliette Lewis, who's in so much, but I'll go with Natural Born Killers. And finally the son is unrecognizably Leonard from The Big Bang Theory.
The car ride scene tells you everything you need to know about each of the characters should this be your first go around with the Griswalds. First, the kids are basically just there. They don't really want to be, but they go along with it. There's no real character for them, other than being teenagers. Ellen, the mom, supports Clark in all his wackiness. And makes bad jokes and thinks he's cooler than he is. "Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber," he says as he attempts to overtake a truck on the road.
It's hard to tell sometimes when he says stuff like that if he is joking, or is genuinely kind of a dumdum. For example, when he picks out the tree, the son says that it wouldn't fit in their yard. "It's not going in our yard, Rus, it's going in our living room." Dipshit. He didn't say that, but he may as well have with his attitude. I mean the tree is obviously too big, but everyone indulges Clark.
He also forgot a saw, so they somehow uprooted it.
In setting up the tree, Clark explains there's a bit of sap, which leads to a nice scene of Clark trying to read a magazine in bed while his fingers get stuck to everything. Really solid physical comedy. We also learn from this bed scene that Clark really want to have a big family Christmas, even though Ellen is a little worried about having both sets of grandparents there.
The truth is, not a whole lot more happens in the movie. I mean, there's more, but it wouldn't really translate well to me just talking about it. Bullet points are the grandparents don't really get along, as alluded to by Ellen, and Randy Quaid and his wife (Ellen's sister and her podunk husband, unrespectively) show up unannounced with their two kids in their RV.
Again, most of the humor is slapstick, often at the expense of Clark, who almost never lets anything get to him, at least until his marvelously explosive diatribe in the final act. But there's also some nice touches about family and whatnot that hits nicely.
This was pretty high on the list of "Oh my god! You haven't seen [blah]?!" but I can now officially cross it off said list. There was of hype and potential bias going into this movie. Mostly positive hype, with the potential bias of "if all my friends liked this movie so much and I didn't, what's that say about me" (assuming I care about what others think of me and say stuff I might not agree with just to fit in with the crowd, but of course I don't do that because that would be ridiculous). But also negative hype from the cynical corners of the internet (read: everywhere) about the faux-sentimentalism. In addition, the contrarian in me wants to dislike it from start just to oppose the generally positive consensus. So I tried to clear my mind of all previous thoughts of Love Actually (which I thought was Love, Actually until literally writing this post. It's a small change, but makes a fairly big difference in the syntax. I could talk about punctuation all day, but I imagine most of you don't give a shit. #oxfordcommaforever) and watch the movie with as fresh of eyes as possible.
Well I know you are all waiting on the edge of your seat to know what I thought, and the truth is....
I actually liked it a lot (also, every time I write actually in this, it's going to seem like a cheap pun, but it almost never will be. And if it is, you will know because it will be cheesy and horrible). Certainly it is not without its issues, but it was very sweet in a lot of ways.
The issues I had and then some are laid out in this article, which I was instructed to read after viewing by a friend (shoutout to Anna Bosak). Now I think the author is off point in a number of ways, which I'll get to later, but on the whole, I think she nails a lot of key problems.
But again, let's ignore those problems and enjoy this movie for what it is. The "ultimate romantic comedy." Seriously, it says that on the poster. I'd also like to note that between the time of watching and the time of writing this, Netflix took Love Actually down. Because they apparently hate love.
Okay, no more snipes. The first thing I noticed about this movie is how nearly every British actor is in this movie. Like every single one minus Benedict Cumberbatch. But oh my god, could you imagine if Cumberbatch was in this?
Sploosh.
Sorry about that, I got a little distracted there.
Seriously though, nearly every scene had me saying "oh hey, it's Snape, and look, there's Bilbo! And Taken is in this?!" For the record, I don't refer to Liam Neeson as "Taken," but now I'm starting to think I should. And I know that I shouldn't be adding any more distractions, but I have two obligatory Liam Neeson videos. The first is unembeddable, but here it is.
So I could do a nice synopsis of what happens, but the above article already did that in a more satirical way than I likely would have, so I'm not gonna do it. Instead, I'm gonna talk about things I liked and didn't like in a vaguely chronological order, but no real guarantee on that.
One of the first lines that sticks out at me is the back and forth between Emma Thompson and her daughter, who has just revealed that she'll be playing a lobster in the Christmas pageant.
"The lobster?"
"Yeah!"
"In the nativity play?"
"Yeah, first lobster!"
"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?"
"Duh!"
First of all, that's hilarious just flat out. Lobsters are inherently funny animals, and if you put one in a place it doesn't belong, it becomes instantly more funny. I realize that the previous sentence sounds inappropriate, but I promise that that was not my intention, I was thinking more along the lines of a lobster at a petting zoo, which is funny because lobsters don't fit in with the normal petting zoo animals. You know how jokes are funnier when you explain them...? But the lobster bit is also funny to me because that kind of terrible ensemble casting, of making up absurd characters, is exactly on point with nearly every public school theater production. Every child needs the opportunity to shine, even if their moment is being dressed as a crustacean while JC is born. Maybe the lobsters cut the umbilical cord. Now that part just got awesome!
That scene was also important because it established Emma's friendship with Liam with whom she had been speaking on the phone prior to her daughter's news. That phone call also revealed that Liam's wife had recently died. Some people (read: above article and commenters) are not thrilled with this storyline because Emma and Liam never explicitly state what their relationship is, though you learn at some point that their kids go to school together, so it would make sense that they at least could be friends through that. In addition, Liam begins his phone call saying that she's basically the only one he knows to call, implying good friendship (maybe more, but certainly not less). And frankly, I'm not going to get mad at a movie for not explicitly detailing their exact relationship when a) there're more than enough context clues and b) so much else in this movie is spoon-fed to the audience that I don't mind having to think about something rather than just being told.
"Such a youthful haircut on such an old face."
-American Dad
Confession time, I'm a huge sucker for Hugh Grant. He's so goddamn charming, and I don't get it because half of the time, he's playing an asshole, but I still don't care. Small Time Crooks especially, which is a wonderful Woody Allen movie about stupid thieves and cookies. His manner of speaking is so disarming, it makes sense that they use him for the opening cheesy monologue. He has a fun storyline as well of falling for his new assistant, Natalie (referred to by her character name because I didn't recognize the actress). One aspect of this story that is strange is that everyone except for Hugh himself seems obsessed with calling Natalie overweight. Like it's the first thing out of people's mouths, and it doesn't really make sense. The one you could make an argument for is her dad calling her, "Plumpy," which you could excuse as an embarrassing nickname from your youth, as I'm sure we all have names our parents called us that we would be mortified to hear in front of our boss, the Prime Minister.
Also, in an interesting twist on the normal rom-com timeline, the wedding scene happens at the beginning, where like half of the characters interact from the get-go, taking away some of the fun of seeing the storylines intersect, but there's still more surprises to come. Basically, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Keira Knightley are getting married, but something is off with the best man, Andrew Lincoln, aka Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead. He's kinda standoffish and keeps recording the couple from the distance, leading someone to ask if he's in love with Chiwetel, which is interesting because he spends most of the movie dressed like Christian from Clueless, who is also gay. But no, Rick isn't in love with Chiwetel, he's in love with Keira (whose wedding dress makes her look like Queen Amidala, whom she was handmaiden and body-double for in The Phantom Menace. Everything comes full circle) of course! He even hired a surprise big band to play "All You Need is Love" at the ceremony. Which to be fair, was an awesome scene, but I'm a sucker for the Beatles and theatrics, so it was right up my alley.
Okay, back to Rick. This storyline is the one I have the biggest problem with because I don't really find his actions to be endearing and sweet, I find him to be creepy. Not right away, but the more they reveal of Rick and his feelings, the weirder he seems to get. At first, I figured, "okay, he loves his best friend's wife, not the coolest thing in the world, but you spend a lot of time together presumably, so these feelings can manifest." Then we find out that they never talk! Chiwetel goes to put her on the phone with Rick and he tells Rick to be friendly. And then when she goes to his place to get the wedding tape, she tells Rick that "you've never particularly warmed to me...we never got friendly." So Rick and Chiwetel have been best friends for the entirety of Chiwetel's and Keira's relationship, and the whole time, Rick has been a dick, presumably as a defense mechanism because he fell in love with either her looks alone or simply the idea of her, but he doesn't love the real Keira because he doesn't know her. It's just bizarre.
And obsessive, as we learn from watching his wedding footage. It's all close-ups of Keira, like a creepy amount. And they watch it together, which is how she learns that Rick is obsessed with her. Just kidding, she sees it as love. And why didn't Rick just say he had edited the video to just shots of her, since that what she had asked for in the first place? Because he's creepy. Which truly takes form with his cue card antics at the end. He basically manipulated the situation so that he could "say" all that he wanted to and she couldn't respond at all because her husband was secretly in the next room. In other words, he filibustered his own love confession. Also, what would he have done if Chiwetel had answered the door? Like "Hey Chiwe, just came by to say hey with this boombox and a butt-load of cue cards that say things you never want to hear." Or what if Chiwetel loves caroling, so when she lied to him about the carolers, he ran to the door shouting his cheer for carols? Rick sucks is basically what I'm saying. And in true suckiness fashion, this storyline is wrapped up about a half hour from the end of the movie, which means that these characters were pretty low on the importance totem pole. Here's SNL's take on the cue cards, featuring Amy Adams:
Ugh, fuck you Rick, I never wanted to spend so much time on you, but you suck so much, I had to. Look, I get that this movie is all about the various kinds of love, puppy love, love at first sight, familiar love, lust, etc, and this whole Rick storyline is the unrequited love section, but for fuck's sake, make them friends so he can fall in love her whole being, not just the idea of her.
Okay, done with Rick, and from Rick, let's go to Rickman, Alan Rickman. Another absolute treasure. In one of his first lines, he says Karl in almost the exact way he does in Die Hard, ugh, that's the stuff dreams are made of. So he seems to run some sort of whorehouse because his new secretary is throwing herself at him, literally pointing to her vagina at one point, and in his first scene, he instructs Laura Linney to bang another coworker, played by Xerxes. It's actually a disappointing role for Alan because he's married to Emma Thompson. Wait, that came out wrong, being married to Emma Thompson would be awesome, but because he indulges the fantasy of being with his secretary, although it's unclear if he ever actually does anything with her, apart from giving her a gold necklace. When I said it was a disappointing role for him, what I meant was that it's because he plays a jerk, and not a fun jerk like Snape or Hans Gruber.
His character, however, is the first to interact with Rowan Atkinson, a very special character. A writer friend of mine, Cara Rowe, posited the idea that his character adds a sprig of magical-realism to the movie. He appears as if by magic in multiple characters' stories at just the right moment to help in ways they may not realize at first. With Alan, he appears as the jewelry store workers who assists in Alan's purchase of a gold necklace for his secretary. Alan is clearly feeling unease with his decision and worries about being caught, but agrees to have the thing giftwrapped. But Rowan takes his sweet ass time in wrapping it, mixing in flowers and shit, to the point that Emma Thompson shows up and Alan abandons his ploy, but we later learn that he goes back for the necklace anyway. In other words, Rowan steered Alan away from infidelity with his opposite-of-Busta-Rhymes speed of wrapping.
His other appearance occurs at the airport in the finale, because of course if you start in an airport, you have to end in one. You see Jojen Reed, Liam Neeson's step-son, has to race through Heathrow to meet up with his love! But of course, you can't get to the gates without a boarding pass. Enter Rowan again, who seemingly unknowingly distracts the flight attendant while he searches for his pass. Again, his slow bumblings assist a character in their search for love because Jojen is able to slip past the attendant. He then runs directly to the right gate without checking a map or the departure screen, which is literally the most unbelievable part of this movie. I spent more time than I cared to in Heathrow thanks to a 4-inch "blizzard" and I can tell you that that place is a nightmare to get around, not to mention on Christmas eve. And he how'd he know what gate to go to? What if they'd switched gates, as often happens? Could not suspend disbelief.
There's like nine other storylines I didn't cover, but I'm not going to get into them because this post is obscenely long as it is. But there are two more things I want to mention, both of which have to do with people's reactions that I read online:
1. Almost every refers to the Martin Freeman storyline as the porno set. But am I wrong in saying that they're stand-ins for real actors and the movie they're working on just happens to have two or three sex scenes? I didn't think it was that confusing. Or are people on the internet satirizing a movie with a lot of sex scenes by referring to it as porn, even though it's not? Like calling Game of Thronesa porn?
2. A ton of people are legitimately angry about why a girl who only speaks Portuguese is living in France, and then why there is an entirely Portuguese speaking neighborhood also in France. And I'll admit, Portuguese immigrants are not the first group I think of when thinking of people who moved to France, but it's certainly not a crazy thought. Living in the melting pot that we do, is it that crazy to think that someone might move to a country where they don't speak the language? And is it crazier to think that if many people from the same country move to a new country that they might choose to live near one another, speaking their home tongue, and maintaining their culture? There are plenty of places in America where all the signage is in Spanish. Many cities have a "Chinatown" or a "Little Italy." Is is so crazy to think that France might have a Petit Portugal? Also, the above article talks about Aurelia as if she's sold to Colin Firth through some sort of human trafficking thing, which is absurd. It's very clear that the old lady runs a kind of full-time maid service and Aurelia is one of her newer employees. Nothing nefarious about it.
Hokay, so at the end of the day, Love Actually is a really charming and enjoyable movie. Certainly not without its flaws, but seriously, what movie isn't?
First off, look at that fucking poster. That is so fucking baller and terrifying. Why aren't posters like that anymore? Minus the unreadable yellow font, of course.
Number two: I have to admit, about 80% of my impetus to watch this movie was simply to post this amazing John Mulaney bit. (Jump to the 1:00 for the relevant joke, although you can watch what you want)
So Home Alone 2: Lost in New York takes place a year after the eventful events of the first film, and once again, the entire McCallister clan is going on a group vacation. You may have noticed that I used the adjective form of the noun event to describe said event, and you may have thought to yourself, "hmm, that seems like repetitive and lazy writing." And you'd be right. I'm a lazy writer, and so is John Hughes because everything about this movie is exactly the same as the first, but different because it's in New York! But still the same basic movie.
Well said, James Franco
The McCallisters go on a different vacation from Kevin, just like in the first. The annoying little cousin (played by Macauley's little brother) still drinks an insane amount of soda, but this time it's Coke and not Pepsi, so that's different! But he also initially freaks out in both, only to become comfortable with his situation in a surprisingly short amount of time. He eats another obscene amount of ice cream while watching yet another gangster movie. The Wet Bandits (now Sticky Bandits) show up to rob a place, and Kevin inevitably stops them using Rube Goldberg-esque booby traps in a house (yes, he finds a house booby trap in New York, but we'll get into that later). And there's even someone who seems really scary, but is actually very friendly. So like James Franco said, they're the same same, but different, but still same.
But is it even worth watching if they're samesies? Yeah, probably, it's pretty fun.
I mean, Tim Curry plays a very suspicious concierge, whose bellhop lackey is played by the incomparable Rob Schneider. In fact, this was one of the Schneider-meister's first films. Had this movie not been made, he might not have been cast in Demolition Man or Judge Dredd, then who's to say where Rob would be today? Thank god we don't have to worry about those what ifs.
"What am I doing with my life?"-Tim Curry and Maggie Smith clone
"My life is awesome"-Rob Schneider
Now, I could sit here and go into detail about all the fun things Kevin did while in New York, and all the horrible things he did to two terrible thieves, but instead, I'm going to mention a few points of interest then play you all a video like a high school teacher with a hangover.
First of all, Kevin mocks the rest of his family for wanting to go to Florida over Christmas because it doesn't feel like Christmas in Florida. And yet, the first thing he does after checking into his New York hotel is to go swimming with a bunch of old Jews. Now, I don't know much about Florida, but I do know that swimming with old Jews is about as Floridian as you can get. Kevin's a fucking hypocrite is my point.
Someone also tells him that "good deeds count extra tonight," referring to Christmas eve, which is basically telling kids to cram for their niceness as opposed to simply avoiding being naughty all year. Cartman tries to achieve this in an episode of South Park, but after employing Kyle's cousin to do the accounting, he learns that he has to cure cancer and AIDS to even come close. That's not really relevant, but the more you know.
Anyway, the video I promised! It's actually related to both the original and the sequel, so double relevant.
As you can see, Kevin is actually a monster and should be put on trial for two dozen counts of attempted murder. Haha, just kidding, he's the hero! Everything he does should be applauded! Double just kidding, I really sided more with the Sticky Bandits just because I felt so bad for them. All they wanted to do was rob a toy store, and in return, they're tortured by a sadistic little boy.
Although it has it's sweet moments, the film is overall a bit more watered down in the sentiment department than its predecessor. In other words, shovel man beats pigeon lady.
Obviously this is not the first time I've seen this movie. I don't think there's a person born in the 80s or early 90s that hasn't seen this movie. But there's always things to see that you've never noticed before. Sometimes those things are as simple as paying attention to the credits. For example, did you know that this movie was written by John Hughes? The same John Hughes who did The Breakfast Club as well as many of those other quintessential movies from the 80s. Or that it was directed by Chris Columbus, who I always associated with the two worst Harry Potter movies, but also directed some less bad movies like Mrs. Doubtfire.
So Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) plays a kind of bratty little kid who is the youngest of like five. I don't really know, because it's hard to tell based on how many kids are staying at the house at the beginning of the movie. Everyone treats Kevin like shit, saying how everyone always has to do everything for him and he's what the French call, "les incompétents" (the family is leaving for France in the morning, so one of them spewing French is not weird). In trying to secure some pizza at dinner, a soda gets knocked over onto the passports and such, requiring a quick cleanup and the accidental disposal of one of the tickets. This is a tiny little detail, but becomes relevant soon, and then the next time you watch it with someone, you can point it out and act all superior.
They hand-wrote his name because this was before tickets were assigned to specific people
After this incident, Kevin is sent up to his room, despite everyone else in the family being the real asshole. His brother ate the one flavor that Kevin likes, his uncle called him a jerk, which is insanely hypocritical because a grown man calling an 8-year-old a jerk is about the jerkiest thing I can think of. So in his annoyance, he tells him mom that he wished he had no family.
Cue the next morning and due to a power outage in the middle of the night, everyone overslept. In their extreme rush to get ready, they accidentally count a neighbor boy instead of Kevin (who no one bothered to wake up). Upon arriving at the airport, they get everyone in and don't notice that they are missing Kevin because there is no extra ticket (because it was thrown away! Just like in the picture!)
Kevin, on the other hand, wakes up to an empty house, with the cars still in the garage (because they took cabs) and makes the marvelous assumption only a child would, that his wish came true and he made his parents disappear. Upon this revelation, he does all the things any kid might do when realizing he has the whole house to himself: run around screaming then watch inappropriate movies while eating a truly obscene amount of ice cream. It's a little strange that in his first viewing the movie, he gets freaked out and covers his eyes while the gangster kills a guy with a Tommy gun, but he does nearly equally as harmful stuff to the robbers later in the movie, but I'm getting ahead of myself. He also plays with shit in his older brother's room, typical little brother stuff.
I'd also like to point out that he is afraid of the furnace in his basement and repeatedly sees it as a scary monster, although later gets over his fear as part of his story arc. I only bring it up because that fucking furnace freaked me out so much as a kid. It made me fear my basement and didn't have a furnace that was accessible in the main part of the floor. Whether I felt chills on this viewing due to pure nostalgia or if it actually is scary even as an adult, I'm not sure, but the scene is still very effective to this day.
In the mean time, Harry and Marv, a pair of professional thieves, have been plotting to and robbing the other houses on the block. We actually see them to be fairly competent in both the planning and execution of several of the robberies, as they had cased the houses and know exactly who is on vacation and when they're automatic lights come on. Unfortunately for them, they don't know that Kevin is home alone (just like the movie title!).
Kevin begins to see these guys hanging around the neighborhood and starts to get concerned, especially because he saw one of them dressed as a police officer just a few nights prior. At one point, he's spotted by the thieves and followed for awhile until he gives chase and manages to lose them, but gets even more scared because he runs into the supposed murderer, the shovel man.
Old and creepy? Must be a murderer.
At the same time, Kevin is becoming self-sufficient. He's bathing, fending for himself, he even goes to the store to get a new toothbrush. "Are you here by yourself?" the clerk asks him. "Do you really think a boy of my age would out and about alone? No, my dad is just outside getting the car." Kevin really shows himself to be a cunning manipulator when it comes to adults in his community.
And finally, in what is way later in the movie than I ever realized, the two burglars make an attempt of Kevin's house, but he is able to booby trap the place to keep everything safe. It's seriously the last half hour of the movie before he even begins to set the traps. And what was once my favorite part of the movie now just makes me feel kind of bad for these guys. Like I know they are trying to rob the place, but does that really mean they deserve to die (obviously they don't die because this is a kids' movie, but based on all the injuries they should take, they should have died)? He also is able to clean everything up all by himself in seemingly like an hour, which doesn't make much sense, but that's okay, it's a movie.
In the end, his family returns and he's glad to have them home. They're impressed that he was able to survive for like two days on his own, having no idea about robbers. This is a nice ending, but the story with the shovel man reconnecting with his son is much more endearing than anything with Kevin, although Kevin is the reason for the reunion, so technically he is involved.
This movie may not have invented the phrase "the friendzone," but I would definitely credit it for bringing it into the common lexicon. The concept, should you not know, is simple. I'll let Ryan Reynolds' character explain it to you himself: "See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp." On the internet, this idea went hand-in-hand with the "neckbeard" stereotype. Anyway, let's talk about this movie specifically.
Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) was fat in high school and in love with his best friend, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart) but she only loved him "like a brother," because she always dated jerks (at least according to Chris). Fast forward ten years, Chris has lost a ton of weight and is a big-ish wig at a record label, and clearly became an asshole. Now, whether he got fit and worked hard at his job and success, both with women and his career went to his head and led to his asshole-ish-ness, or if he became an asshole, then got fit and succeeded, it is unclear. But what is clear is that he's fit, he's successful, and he's an asshole.
Her latest album cover
His latest assignment from his boss (the incredible Stephen Root) is to sign the hottest singer at the moment, Samantha James (Anna Faris, picture above in character), with whom Chris has had a previous relationship. Chris is reluctant to take on the assignment, as things didn't necessarily end well because "bitches be crazy" (that's not a quote from the movie, but summarizes his sentiment). He agrees eventually and the two embark from LA to Paris.
Of course things don't go well on the plane, and after Samantha microwaves some tin foil, the plane has to emergency land in New Jersey, conveniently where Chris grew up. And lo and behold, Jamie is still living in that same town! This is Chris' big chance to finally get with Jamie! Or at least that's what's going on in his head.
Sadly for Chris, however, his new douchey, showoff antics are lost on a more mature Jamie, who's grown out of her fondness for assholes (if that was even really the case and not just the skewed perspective from Chris' love-addled mind). Despite his jerk ways, there's still a scene that bothers me where the two go out to lunch to someplace they clearly went a lot as kids. Before having a chance to order, the waitress who recognized them from ten years ago brings what they would order in the past, which is a soup and sandwich for Jamie and a huge stack of chocolate and whipped cream covered pancakes. Because showing is better than telling, here's the scene:
Like, I just don't think Chris was being all that rude. The waitress wrongfully assumed that they would want the same thing that they ordered over a decade ago, and when they were kids. All diet stuff aside, tastes change a lot from high school into early adulthood. You just shouldn't make assumptions when your latest information is ten years old. And furthermore, his initial response is pretty respectful in declining the plate of diabetes. Even his whale comment, though dripping in sass, is a self-deprecating line. He takes things a little too far with the passive-aggression regarding the water at the end, but it was still in my opinion an overreaction by both the waitress and Jamie.
Rant over, things aren't going well, and enter other old classmate, Dusty (Chris Klein) who was gross in high school, but is now a hotty just like Chris, but not an asshole. He's an EMT and volunteers with kids, and is just all-around a great dude, much to Chagrin of Chris. Jamie's interest in Dusty, however, clues Chris into the idea that she's into nice guys now, so he reverts to his old, sensitive self to try and win her affection.
What unfolds is a pissing contest of sorts to be the most sensitive to win Jamie's affections, but in reality just turns into cringey moment after cringey moment. Enjoyable cringe, but still cringe. This is all happening over Christmas, by the way, hence why I watched it during this month. There's a group of carolers who act as kind of a soundtrack during scene changes, which is an interesting narrative choice. It's an enjoyable holiday movie that has more laughs than holiday cheer.
