12/21-Home Alone (1990)

Obviously this is not the first time I've seen this movie.  I don't think there's a person born in the 80s or early 90s that hasn't seen this movie.  But there's always things to see that you've never noticed before.  Sometimes those things are as simple as paying attention to the credits.  For example, did you know that this movie was written by John Hughes?  The same John Hughes who did The Breakfast Club as well as many of those other quintessential movies from the 80s.  Or that it was directed by Chris Columbus, who I always associated with the two worst Harry Potter movies, but also directed some less bad movies like Mrs. Doubtfire.

So Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) plays a kind of bratty little kid who is the youngest of like five.  I don't really know, because it's hard to tell based on how many kids are staying at the house at the beginning of the movie.  Everyone treats Kevin like shit, saying how everyone always has to do everything for him and he's what the French call, "les incompétents" (the family is leaving for France in the morning, so one of them spewing French is not weird).  In trying to secure some pizza at dinner, a soda gets knocked over onto the passports and such, requiring a quick cleanup and the accidental disposal of one of the tickets.  This is a tiny little detail, but becomes relevant soon, and then the next time you watch it with someone, you can point it out and act all superior.

They hand-wrote his name because this was before tickets were assigned to specific people

After this incident, Kevin is sent up to his room, despite everyone else in the family being the real asshole.  His brother ate the one flavor that Kevin likes, his uncle called him a jerk, which is insanely hypocritical because a grown man calling an 8-year-old a jerk is about the jerkiest thing I can think of.  So in his annoyance, he tells him mom that he wished he had no family.

Cue the next morning and due to a power outage in the middle of the night, everyone overslept.  In their extreme rush to get ready, they accidentally count a neighbor boy instead of Kevin (who no one bothered to wake up).  Upon arriving at the airport, they get everyone in and don't notice that they are missing Kevin because there is no extra ticket (because it was thrown away!  Just like in the picture!)

Kevin, on the other hand, wakes up to an empty house, with the cars still in the garage (because they took cabs) and makes the marvelous assumption only a child would, that his wish came true and he made his parents disappear.  Upon this revelation, he does all the things any kid might do when realizing he has the whole house to himself: run around screaming then watch inappropriate movies while eating a truly obscene amount of ice cream.  It's a little strange that in his first viewing the movie, he gets freaked out and covers his eyes while the gangster kills a guy with a Tommy gun, but he does nearly equally as harmful stuff to the robbers later in the movie, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  He also plays with shit in his older brother's room, typical little brother stuff.

I'd also like to point out that he is afraid of the furnace in his basement and repeatedly sees it as a scary monster, although later gets over his fear as part of his story arc.  I only bring it up because that fucking furnace freaked me out so much as a kid.  It made me fear my basement and didn't have a furnace that was accessible in the main part of the floor.  Whether I felt chills on this viewing due to pure nostalgia or if it actually is scary even as an adult, I'm not sure, but the scene is still very effective to this day.

In the mean time, Harry and Marv, a pair of professional thieves, have been plotting to and robbing the other houses on the block.  We actually see them to be fairly competent in both the planning and execution of several of the robberies, as they had cased the houses and know exactly who is on vacation and when they're automatic lights come on.  Unfortunately for them, they don't know that Kevin is home alone (just like the movie title!).

Kevin begins to see these guys hanging around the neighborhood and starts to get concerned, especially because he saw one of them dressed as a police officer just a few nights prior.  At one point, he's spotted by the thieves and followed for awhile until he gives chase and manages to lose them, but gets even more scared because he runs into the supposed murderer, the shovel man.

Old and creepy?  Must be a murderer.

At the same time, Kevin is becoming self-sufficient.  He's bathing, fending for himself, he even goes to the store to get a new toothbrush.  "Are you here by yourself?" the clerk asks him.  "Do you really think a boy of my age would out and about alone?  No, my dad is just outside getting the car."  Kevin really shows himself to be a cunning manipulator when it comes to adults in his community.

And finally, in what is way later in the movie than I ever realized, the two burglars make an attempt of Kevin's house, but he is able to booby trap the place to keep everything safe.  It's seriously the last half hour of the movie before he even begins to set the traps.  And what was once my favorite part of the movie now just makes me feel kind of bad for these guys.  Like I know they are trying to rob the place, but does that really mean they deserve to die (obviously they don't die because this is a kids' movie, but based on all the injuries they should take, they should have died)?  He also is able to clean everything up all by himself in seemingly like an hour, which doesn't make much sense, but that's okay, it's a movie.

In the end, his family returns and he's glad to have them home.  They're impressed that he was able to survive for like two days on his own, having no idea about robbers.  This is a nice ending, but the story with the shovel man reconnecting with his son is much more endearing than anything with Kevin, although Kevin is the reason for the reunion, so technically he is involved.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs

12/20-Just Friends (2005)

This movie may not have invented the phrase "the friendzone," but I would definitely credit it for bringing it into the common lexicon.  The concept, should you not know, is simple.  I'll let Ryan Reynolds' character explain it to you himself: "See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp."  On the internet, this idea went hand-in-hand with the "neckbeard" stereotype.  Anyway, let's talk about this movie specifically.

Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) was fat in high school and in love with his best friend, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart) but she only loved him "like a brother," because she always dated jerks (at least according to Chris).  Fast forward ten years, Chris has lost a ton of weight and is a big-ish wig at a record label, and clearly became an asshole.  Now, whether he got fit and worked hard at his job and success, both with women and his career went to his head and led to his asshole-ish-ness, or if he became an asshole, then got fit and succeeded, it is unclear.  But what is clear is that he's fit, he's successful, and he's an asshole.

Her latest album cover

His latest assignment from his boss (the incredible Stephen Root) is to sign the hottest singer at the moment, Samantha James (Anna Faris, picture above in character), with whom Chris has had a previous relationship.  Chris is reluctant to take on the assignment, as things didn't necessarily end well because "bitches be crazy" (that's not a quote from the movie, but summarizes his sentiment).  He agrees eventually and the two embark from LA to Paris.

Of course things don't go well on the plane, and after Samantha microwaves some tin foil, the plane has to emergency land in New Jersey, conveniently where Chris grew up.  And lo and behold, Jamie is still living in that same town!  This is Chris' big chance to finally get with Jamie!  Or at least that's what's going on in his head.

Sadly for Chris, however, his new douchey, showoff antics are lost on a more mature Jamie, who's grown out of her fondness for assholes (if that was even really the case and not just the skewed perspective from Chris' love-addled mind).  Despite his jerk ways, there's still a scene that bothers me where the two go out to lunch to someplace they clearly went a lot as kids.  Before having a chance to order, the waitress who recognized them from ten years ago brings what they would order in the past, which is a soup and sandwich for Jamie and a huge stack of chocolate and whipped cream covered pancakes.  Because showing is better than telling, here's the scene:

Like, I just don't think Chris was being all that rude.  The waitress wrongfully assumed that they would want the same thing that they ordered over a decade ago, and when they were kids.  All diet stuff aside, tastes change a lot from high school into early adulthood.  You just shouldn't make assumptions when your latest information is ten years old.  And furthermore, his initial response is pretty respectful in declining the plate of diabetes.  Even his whale comment, though dripping in sass, is a self-deprecating line.  He takes things a little too far with the passive-aggression regarding the water at the end, but it was still in my opinion an overreaction by both the waitress and Jamie.

Rant over, things aren't going well, and enter other old classmate, Dusty (Chris Klein) who was gross in high school, but is now a hotty just like Chris, but not an asshole.  He's an EMT and volunteers with kids, and is just all-around a great dude, much to Chagrin of Chris.  Jamie's interest in Dusty, however, clues Chris into the idea that she's into nice guys now, so he reverts to his old, sensitive self to try and win her affection.

What unfolds is a pissing contest of sorts to be the most sensitive to win Jamie's affections, but in reality just turns into cringey moment after cringey moment.  Enjoyable cringe, but still cringe.  This is all happening over Christmas, by the way, hence why I watched it during this month.  There's a group of carolers who act as kind of a soundtrack during scene changes, which is an interesting narrative choice.  It's an enjoyable holiday movie that has more laughs than holiday cheer.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/19-Happy Christmas (2014)

As you might be able to see from the tiny print on the poster above, Happy Christmas is from the director of Drinking Buddies, a horribly disappointing movie in my opinion.  Joe Swanberg is his name, and improvised dialogue movies are his game.  Which is all well and good if said improvisation is interesting, which in Drinking Buddies fell flat for me.  Four actors I greatly enjoy in a movie that has a focus on beer should have been a home run, but man, it was just boring and unsatisfying.

But this isn't about Drinking Buddies (although that's the third time I've written it so far), this is about Happy Christmas, which I enjoyed much more than, the now-not-going-to-be-mentioned other movie.  One thing though, before going on, despite the name, I wouldn't really consider this a Christmas movie.  Yes, the credits depict decorations, and the movie takes place in the few weeks leading up to Christmas, and ends on the day itself, but it's just not a focus of the movie.  It's a family drama that happens to fall on Christmas.

Let me just start from the beginning.  Joe Swanberg (the director, who refuses to put his name in the credits as an actor despite being a main character) plays Jeff, the father of a two-year-old who works somehow with movies.  His wife, Kelly, played by Melanie Lynskey, stays at home with their son (played by Swanberg's real-life son), but is also shown to be a writer (who clearly doesn't have much time to let her creative juices flow).  Everyone's happy, so obviously something must go wrong, otherwise why would this exist.

Enter Anna Kendrick playing Jeff's sister, Jenny.  She's in her late twenties and just broke up with her boyfriend, and more importantly seems to be kind of drifting in life.  In addition, her stay with her brother seems to be somewhat open-ended.  The night she arrives, she goes out with an old friend and just gets blasted.  Like border-line stomach-pumping blasted.  I think the implication with this scene is that although she says she is fine with the break-up, she's clearly not fine.  She passes out at the party and her friend calls Jeff to come pick her up.

Kelly is not happy with how Jenny acted.  She thinks it's immature and could have led to some problems if she had left the door open or done some other stupid drunk thing, especially if this type of behavior continues.  We first see this through the couple's hiring of a babysitter in lieu of the initial plan of having Jenny watch Jude (the toddler).  On one hand, it's kind of an overreaction, at least from the eyes of a non-parent.  But on the other hand, if drunky slept in until 2, you can't really expect her to be that alert, even if you had woken her up earlier.

So things started rocky, but Jenny straightens out a bit.  She ends up calling the babysitter because he had offered to sell her weed if she needed, and apparently, she does.  Upon arrival at his place, there's a number of red flags that the babysitter has intentions of taking the night to Bone Town.  First, he offers a drink, which could be solely a nice gesture, but he leans on the hard alcohol side of things, settling on whisky, and as the saying goes, "whisky makes you frisky."  Number two, he gave her the weed for free, like not just sharing his stash, but giving her shit to take home.  To give a non-drug example, if you went to a friend's house and he (not being sexist, just using the same gender as the babysitter) offered you some chips, but not just chips to eat while you hang out, but a bag of chips to take home and enjoy alone, you would say, "huh, that's kinda odd."  And finally, he puts on music then says "I love this song."  Well no shit you love it, you just picked it, why would you put on music that you don't like?  Basically, he's showing her something personal to make them more familial.

And surprise, surprise, he makes a move.  But after a little making out, Jenny stops the hookup, awkwardly trying to explain that it's not that she doesn't like him, but more that she's not really ready to keep going.

Around this time, Jenny suggests to Kelly that she try to write something quick and trashy, like 50 Shades of Grey-esque, just to allow her to work on her truly creative works.  Although hesitant at first, Kelly warms to the idea and accepts Jenny's help in crafting the basic story line and how erotic novels work.  This leads to an interesting friendship that emerges from this partnership, alleviating  many of the worries that Kelly once had for Jenny.  It also leads to a great scene between the two and Lena Dunham discussing the various ways they can vagina without saying the word "vagina."  Lots of funny euphemisms.

While this friendship buds, Jenny's relationship with the babysitter also grows until Christmas eve, when the babysitter says he can't have sex with her tonight because he has to get ready for family Christmas the next day.  She is devastated by this feeling of rejection and falls into another alcohol and drug fueled bender, leading to the whole family waking up to a smoke-filled house.  Intoxicated, Jenny put a frozen pizza in the oven and then promptly passed out, leaving the the pizza to burn, hence the massive amounts of smoke.

The parents are pissed, but also thankful that their house wasn't actually on fire.  Jenny disappears the next day, but Kelly eventually finds her and invites her back home.  Roll credits.

Seriously, they give the implication of resolution and just ends.  Drinking Buddies ends almost identically and is just as infuriating and unsatisfying.  Maybe I'm just stuck in my ways, but show me that they are all better, give me the scene of them going home and opening presents and smiling, then you can cut to black.  Seriously, two more minutes of film would have made the ending so much better.

I think there's an idea in movies that leaving the ending open to interpretation shows how deep and profound a movie can be, but this doesn't leave anything to be determined by the viewer, but they don't show you the ending either.  It's annoying.

But other than the end, I did enjoy it.  If nothing else, Melanie Lynskey has an amazing New Zealand accent and Anna Kendrick is adorable as always.  The real star, though, is clearly Jude.  He's so cute and was actually a pretty baller actor, all things considering.  Also, stay through the credits (or fast forward if you're watching on Netflix) for another erotic novel brain-storming scene.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/18-Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

Does acknowledging obvious plot holes and

winking at them make it okay to have obvious plot holes or:

Grumpy Cat is so cute, I don't care about anything else.

Real talk: this movie was not bad at all.  It was even maybe good?  Maybe?  If the answer to the above question is yes, then yes it is a good movie.  But then again, I have to admit some pretty major bias.  Number one, I've been on the Grumpy Cat train since day one.  I've had two different Grumpy Cat profile pictures on Facebook (one was Grump as Judge Dredd and the other was her as the astronaut in 2001: A Space Odyssey).  And number two, I love Aubrey Plaza, who voices Grumpy Cat.  I should specify, I mainly love April Ludgate, but since April is basically the human equivalent

 of Grumpy Cat, it is perfect casting.

So, Grumpy Cat is content living in a pet store in the mall.  She knows that neither she nor any of the other "reject" pets (mice, birds, snakes) will ever be adopted.  "We're all going to die in here" she tells the others, but again, she's fine with it.  That is, until she overhears the store owner talking to the landlord about being behind on rent.  Luckily, the owner has a plan to save the store!  He's going to turn Grumpy into the greatest internet meme in the world!  And he'll make a bunch of money selling merchandise and maybe even make a movie one day!  Seriously, that's what they say, exactly what happened in real life.  Then Grumpy's all like, nah just kidding, that'd be dumb.

You see, they establish early on that Grumpy is something of an unreliable narrator, and indeed many things she says must be taken with a grain of salt, even when we see it on screen.  So she rewinds and says the owner's real plan is to sell this perfectly bred dog for a million dollars.  "Sounds like a MacGuffin to me, whatever that means."  Another of the many self-aware lines that Grumpy says.

Anyway, around this time, we meet the human protagonist, a 13 year old whose father left her family not long ago, and she's been struggling to make friends because of it.  Or as Aubrey Plaza explains in a shot of her in the sound booth, "the girl who gets second billing to me."  That's right, they basically take a shit on the fourth wall here in terms of not giving a fuck.  Another example of this is because it is a Lifetime movie, there are ad breaks, and before one of them, Grumpy says to the camera, "time to sell you stuff," and then tells you what hashtag to use if you're live-tweeting.  I can't tell if this was all supposed to be ironic and became genuine, or if it was supposed to be genuine but became ironic.

Right, the girl.  So she's sad and lonely, only having conversations with the adult workers at the mall.  After a failed attempt to talk to some cool girls, she's comforted by a mall Santa, who encourages her to make a wish, which turns out to be for a friend.  Well, it comes true, but not in the way she expected.  You see, she becomes able to hear Grumpy Cat's words.  Before really comprehending what's going on, the cool girls who rebuffed her earlier swing by to provide more ridicule.  "Look at the freak having a conversation with little kitty!"  Which reminded me of this Archer scene:

As Barry says, from what the cool girls can see, she's just talking to the cat, not with it.  Maybe this scene just really hits home because I talk to my cat a lot, often pretending like he responds, which sounds pretty bad typing it out, but as far as I know, there's no changing this, once it's typed, so I guess it's staying there.

The real conflict comes when the girl sneaks into the mall after hours in order to see Grumpy again and try and figure out what the deal is, but she witnesses a robbery of the million dollar dog.  It becomes a kind of Home Alone without the Rube Goldberg traps in order to thwart the dumb criminals.

This scene is a prime example of both Grumpy as an unreliable narrator the movie getting away with major plot holes simply by acknowledging them and usually making a joke.  The clip doesn't last long enough, but it does revert to normal, where the girl drives the car, not Grumpy.  By the way, the car is a Camero.  I only mention that because it was clearly product placement.  It wasn't that in your face, except they never referred to it as a car, but rather always as a Camero, whereas the bad guys' car is a junker that people keep referring to as a "clown car."  I'm not kidding when I say they say Camero at least five times in about a two minute scene.

Moral of the story, I thought this was going to be molten garbage poured on top of a septic tank, but it turned out to be a pretty good self-aware holiday movie, not including the point where the movie promotes Grumpy Cat's owner's real-life website that sells Grumpy Cat tchotchkes.  That was something that I genuinely could not discern if it was a moment of self-parody or shamelessly shilling their shit.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/17-The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

Okay, so yes, the other Hannukah movie was made-for-TV, but this is literally the only other one!  Plus, I already did both a Christmas made-for-TV and just a Christmas episode of a TV show, so this should be fine.  I will say, if you Google Hannukah movie, An American Tail sometimes shows up, but that doesn't really count because although Fievel and his family are Jewish, they celebrate Hannukah in the opening scene and then it isn't relevant to the plot again, so I'm not going to classify as a Hannukah movie.  Jewish movie?  Yes.  Adorable movie?  Also yes.  Hannukah movie?  No.  And in something that is only tangentially related to all of this, here is a scene from Community with Troy and Abed singing a song from An American Tail:

Back to The Hebrew Hammer!  First thing to note, this is a satire of the Blaxploitation genre from the 1970s, so it's got a very distinct style because it is parodying said style.  The movie stars Adam Goldberg as the Hammer, whom you may know as the Jewish guy from Dazed and Confused, or the Jewish guy from Saving Private Ryan.

Basically, Santa's son, Damian (oooo foreboding), kills Santa, who had been known as a particularly tolerant Santa, instigating the "Happy Holidays" movement. so that he can take control of the North Pole and eliminate Hannukah once and for all.  Evil Santa is played by Andy Dick, by the way, which suits him well.  The Jewish Justice League tries to get the Hammer to help save Hannukah by sending the chief of the organization's daughter (played by Judy Greer) to see him, which leads to a send-up of classic crime noirs, with heavy narration, only to have the narration actually being played aloud in the scene via a tape player.  I tried to find the scene online, but failed.  But trust me, it's a funny bit that shows this isn't just 90 minutes of Jew jokes.  Not that the Jew jokes aren't funny, as long as you are aware of the stereotypes.  And if you don't, here's a scene I could find that gives a nice rundown of stereotypes:

Along the way, the Hammer enlists the help of friends with the Kwanza federation, seeing as the evil Santa would be targeting Kwanza once Hannukah was one of the way.  This provides some moments of true Blaxploitation parody, as opposed to using Jewish parallels.

Again, this movie is very stylized in order to match it's source material, but if you like Blaxploitation movies, or even homages such as Jackie Brown or full-on parodies like Black Dynamite or Undercover Brother (which by the way, was written by the same screenwriter who did 12 Years a Slave, which I was very surprised to learn), and have at least one fairly Jewish friend, you'll really dig this movie.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/16-Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

I had wanted to watch Hannukah movies for each of the nights of Hannukah, but unfortunately, there's really only two out there, and this Adam Sandler vehicle is one of them (spoiler, the other will be watched tomorrow).  I must say, it's a little disappointing.  Considering there are so many Christmas movies (so many of which are either trash, rehashes, or sentimental bullshit), you'd think there'd be at least as many Hannukah movies are there are nights of celebration, but alas, no.  We'll have to tide ourselves over with this movie.

Davey Stone (Adam Sandler) is your run of the mill, deadbeat drunk, who hates the holiday season, living in a town that loves Christmas and also greatly supports its Jewish population.  But you know what?  Why should I tell you about when he sings a song that conveniently explains everything you need to know about him at this point.  Oh yeah, it's a musical.

You can say what you will about the content and lyrics in these songs, as well as the quality of the movie as a whole, but damn the songs are catchy.  One particular song, which I'll get to later, I actually remembered when I decided to watch this again, the last time being when it came out, over a decade ago.  That's pretty impressive staying power, at least back of your mind staying power.  I mean, sure these are no Disney musical classics, little kids aren't going to sing them until their parents want to stab their ears, and college a capella groups aren't going to sing a medley of them for cheap nostalgia points, but honestly, they're more memorable than the songs from Muppet Christmas Carol, which as a whole is much better than this movie.

Music tangent aside, Davey's antics get him arrested and in lieu of jail time, a town personality named Whitey offers to mentor Davey through youth basketball refereeing as a form of community service.  Whitey, being something of a naive idealist believes he can change Davey back to the boy he once was.

This is Whitey, by the way.  He's like 4 feet tall and
one foot is way bigger than the other, like 10 sizes bigger.

Davey, of course, remains being an asshole despite Whitey's best efforts.  We do see little twinkles of potential goodness, mainly through a scene where he helps a boy gain some confidence in his basketball skills, though it's hard to say if that comes from actually having good intentions sometimes, his love of basketball, or the fact that he totally wants to shtup (Yiddish seemed appropriate) the kid's mom.

After Davey's trailer is burned down, Whitey takes him in and we finally start to see some more change in Davey's demeanor.  He's nicer and more helpful, and just simply less of a dick.  That is until his past is brought up and he has something of a jerk breakdown, only to redeem himself in the finale for a happy ending.  Oops, spoiled, oh well.  I mean, all these movies end happily, so it's really not a big deal.  Whatever, I'm sorry.

My big issue with this movie is the humor is targeted to a very specific demographic, which is basically 12 year olds.  There's enough openly mature content that it's clearly not intended to be true kids' movie, but most of the jokes are so crass and unmotivated that only a middle schooler would laugh at it.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again (that line is so cliche), I love toilet humor, when it's preferably clever, but really as long as it's even a little bit motivated.  At one point in the movie, Whitey gets covered in shit, like human feces, then frozen alive, and some deer come and lick him free.  The lick human shit off of him, then they're shown to be smiling, with the shit all up in their teeth!  Hilarious!  It's just really not very funny; it's just pretty gross.

Here's a different seen where they poop themselves from laughing.
That's right, there are multiple poop/deer scenes.

Earlier I mentioned a song that stuck with me for a long time, and I must admit, it is a pretty dumb song, but I can't help loving it.  It's basically the final song, so if you want to still be "surprised" by the ending, don't watch this.  Also don't be mad at me if you can't get it out of your head.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/15-The Ref (1994)

This is a movie that I don't know how many of you may know about, but my mom liked when I was a kid, so I saw it a number of times, but clearly didn't appreciate a lot of the humor in it.  If you pay a lot of attention to what I've written here in the past, you might be saying, "Ben, didn't you say that your mom didn't like Christmas movies?"  Well yes, that is true and I did say that, but The Ref shows off what happens when people feel obligated to attend family holiday gatherings; basically Christmas is not represented super well, or at least not at first.

Okay, so what's it really about?  It's really about a family who's marriage is struggling.  The first thing we see is Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis (my second grade teacher had the same name, but obviously, this is not the same person) in a marriage counseling session.  The sign outside says Dr. Wong, and the first thing I lot of was BD Wong because I love saying BD; it's super fun to say.  So imagine my delight when Dr. Wong is played by the one and only BD!  But then I was thinking, is that lazy writing?  Or is it like in the Apatow movies where a lot of the actors play characters with their same name?  I don't know.

The other thing going on at this time is Denis Leary, a professional thief, breaks into a big, old, fancy house using gadgets and cunning, but is still partially thwarted by the owner's Home Alone-ian anti-burglary traps, which include spraying Leary with cat piss and dropping him down a trapdoor into a cellar with a vicious dog named Cannibal.  Although he escapes, his getaway driver abandoned him at the first sign of police.  Over their scanners, we hear that this robbery is one of a string of robberies, so the state police are brought in to basically shut the town down to catch this guy.  This includes a curfew as well as some police checkpoints.

In order to find some place to lie low while he tries to figure out a plan, Leary pretty much hijacks the Chasseurs (Spacey and Davis) and forces them to take him to their home since he can't get out of town due to the checkpoints.  Leary quickly realizes how dumb this idea was because of the Chasseurs' incessant arguing.

So Leary ties them up in their own home while he tries to contact his partner, but the arguing just won't stop, forcing him to step in and make the two confront their troubles head on instead of just bitching constantly.  Unfortunately, this current situation can't last forever because the Chasseurs are expecting family to arrive for Christmas dinner, so his plan for containing them is constantly changing.

By the way, it's strange watching Kevin Spacey play a kind of spineless whipping boy considering he's so ingrained as of late as Frank Underwood, who takes no shit from anyone.  Anyway, the family arrives and the whole situation becomes something of a farce.  Leary pretends to be Dr. Wong so the rest of the family doesn't realize that they are essentially hostages.  Many grievances are aired through several hilarious, though sometimes tense scenes with the family.

There's a lot to love about this movie, not the least of which is that Denis Leary basically does his stand up with every one of his lines in this movie, but here are a few more delightful things:

-"The spirit of Christmas is either you're good or you're punished and you'll burn in hell."
-"Who would catch a criminal and then let him go free?"  "Republicans?"
-"People with guns get to do whatever they want."  This isn't really a hilarious line, but it was strange how poignant and true that still is today, at least with some of the recent news events.
-"We got a little held up."
-Adults struggling with VCRs, which is basically the 90s version of adults sucking with computers in today's movies.
-This was J.K. Simmons' first movie!  He's the best, so you should see this movie for his debut alone.

Funny and not your average Christmas movie.  Great if you love a dysfunctional family.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs

12/14-Jingle All the Way (1996)

Before I start, did you know they made a sequel to this movie this year?  I mean, I assume it was direct to DVD, but more importantly, no one from this cast is in it, seeing as the original came out nearly 20 years ago.  In fact, the father character is played by Larry the Cable Guy, which sounds horrible.  One more reason I don't really understand why they'd make a sequel in today's day and age is that the whole conflict of this movie would not work in today's world thanks to the internet and cell phones.

The basic premise is pretty simple, after all, this movie was basically made to sell toys.  Okay, so Arnold is a super hard-working guy who is constantly missing his kid's activities because he's working.  The most recent of which is his son's (played by Jake Lloyd, aka Anakin Skywalker from Episode 1) karate upgrading belt ceremony.  Insisting that he not disappoint their son again, she confirms that Arnold bought the Turbo Man action figure (called a doll by like half the people in the movie) that the boy's been wanting.  Being cliche of a dad, he says of course, when in reality he totally forgot.  And obviously everywhere is sold out.  Here's a wonderful Chris Parnell cameo at the first store he goes to:

You'll also notice Sinbad in there.  He plays a mailman slash rival dad also trying to get of these toys.  The next 45 or so minutes of the movie involve Arnold visiting various stores and becoming increasingly frustrating when no one has the stupid toy.

Meanwhile, because Arnold is out trying to find the toy on Christmas eve, their next door neighbor, Ted (played by the amazing Phil Hartman) steps in to help with the festivities like baking cookies and putting ornaments on the tree.  He clearly is banging all the other moms in the cul de sac and now has his eyes set on Arnold's wife.  This actually leads to a pretty funny exchange when Ted brings out a live reindeer, which Ted's son names Ted.  Arnold calls to his home and Anakin answers and tells his dad that "Mom is next door petting Ted."  Of course we know he means the reindeer, but Arnold thinks he's talking about the old timey slang for macking.

Oh!  And this movie takes place in Minneapolis, so that's fun.  Arnie goes to the Mall of America and there's a few other noticeable shots showing at least a little of this was actually filmed here.  There's also a scene where Sinbad threatens a bunch of police officers with a package he claims is a bomb because "a bunch of bombs get sent through the mail every day."  Haha! So funny!  Except it's a real bomb that explodes in the mean cop's hands.  Like at least eight cops just died.

Or they would have if this weren't a children's movie.  Instead, they just look a little shell-shocked and the meanie is covered with soot.

Anyway, Arnold shows up to the Christmas parade as Turbo Man and makes his kid's whole life in a nicely wrapped up conclusion.  It's a fairly sweet ending, even if the whole movie is about a toy.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/13-Scrooged (1988)

This is another one of those movies I'd see in sitting in Blockbuster, want to rent it, but never did either because we found something more appealing or my mom would semi arbitrarily veto it.  Again, we saw pretty much anything as kids, but my mom would make some judgments based on the cover for a reason to not rent.  In this case, it was probably a three-way tie between the skeleton hand (foreboding some serious violence, which there isn't), the cigar (smoking is the worst, and promoting it is even worse!), and the fact that it's a Christmas movie.  In retrospect, there's really nothing particularly inappropriate about this movie, but a lot of the content would have likely gone above my head.

Anyway, this Christmas Carol adaptation differs the most from the original story than any of the others I've watched so far.  Most notably is the fact that this is a present day (or rather present in 1988) retelling.  In addition, the Scrooge character is not named Scrooge.  In fact none of the characters have their original Dickensian names, with the exception of the Christmas ghosts, although these guys are kinda different as well, but I'll get into that more later.

Basic premise is this: Frank Cross (Bill Murray) plays a hotshot, young TV executive, whose lack of scruples has clearly helped him make it to the top.  He doesn't care about the quality of his programming (programs such as Father Loves Beaver, an innuendic riff on Leave it to Beaver), as long as people are watching, or more specifically, scared to miss it.  Remember, this is a time before DVR, so sitting in front of the TV was a bigger to-do.

Cross' big plan for this year is a massive live performance of The Christmas Carol, which they call Scrooge.  Cross has made it extra extravagant by having simultaneous live bits in other nations around the world.  His first truly Scrooge moment comes in opening boardroom scene where he sees the proposed nice and festive promotion for the Scrooge performance, and instead, supplants it with his own horrifying promotional material.

When one of his employees, Bobcat Goldthwait, questions the use such scare tactics, especially when selling something as wholesome as a Christmas, Cross fires him.  On Christmas eve.  Coldblooded.

Another little casting change they made is that the Bob Cratchit character is black woman, which isn't really important to the story, but it is nice to see that the movie makers being more inclusive, especially when they don't have to be.

Instead of continuing with a close plot reading, I'm just gonna talk about more differences from traditional adaptations.  For starters, typically, the ghost appearances seem to have some sort of time/space distortion.  That is to say that they'll travel all over, but when the ghastly visit is over, it seems to be the same time and place as where it started.  In Scrooged, things happen in real time, and although Cross is the only one who can see and interact with the ghosts, his actions are seen by the other people in the room.  And when he "snaps" out if it, time has progressed and he is in a different place from where he started.

Speaking of the ghosts, their appearances were vastly different than previous iterations.  This type of thing can be weird when dealing with adaptations.  What I mean to say is when you see a film based on a book, the filmmakers may take liberties with the appearance of supernatural beings.  Without having read the subject matter, I didn't know if P-Stew's version followed the book's description or not.  But when The Muppet Christmas Carol had similar iterations, a bright and wispy Past, a giant and hairy Present, and a dark, tall, and faceless Future, it became clear to me that those must be how they are described in the book because why else would they be so similar in appearance?

Not really similar to the androgynous albino from P-Stew's

The Ghost of Christmas Past appears as a gruff and manic taxi driver, who's never seen without a nasty, cheap cigar in his mouth (and subsequently, his teeth).  Foul-mouthed and frantic, he's nothing like previous iterations.  Christmas Present is also significantly different, appearing as a Cyndi Lauper-esque punk rock girl who seems to spread Christmas joy to Cross not through magic dust like other adaptations, but through physical violence.  There's a whole weird scene that's basically just her beating up Bill Murray.  Future is the most traditional, being tall, faceless, and shadowy, but he chooses to show Cross his visions not through holiday magic, but with a chest-mounted TV, which is appropriate because of Cross' role as TV executive.

The last real difference is the importance of the love interest.  In P-Stew's, the lady friend is just used by GC-Past to pain Scrooge and with the Muppets, the character isn't even mentioned because love storylines are not necessary in a Muppet movie.  But in Scrooged, Karen Allen appears in Cross' life throughout the movie, not just through flashbacks, and is present at the end after all the visions have ceased.  And by the way, Karen Allen has the best smile.  Like, it's just so unfair how pretty her smile is.  I would watch a movie of just her smiling.

*swoon*

Her smile alone boosts this movie a notch or two on the heartwarming scale.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs

12/12-The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

I don't know how long this post is going to be because a lot of this film is the same as The Christmas Carol, but with Muppets, which is totally awesome, but doesn't change its similarities.

First of all, I'd like to talk credits because they were amazing.  And not because it was some cool animated opening like Outrageous Fortune or Monsters' Inc, but because it listed the Muppets as actors along with the Dickens character they are playing.  For example, "Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit."  It's a delightful little touch that just makes the immersion into the world of Muppets that much better.  But the real reason the credits rule is that it ends with "and Michael Caine as Scrooge."  After watching Patrick Stewart play Scrooge, I couldn't think of a better actor for him, but Michael Caine gives him quite the run for his money.

Two obvious differences between this one and P-Stew's, besides the obvious inclusion of Muppets, are the presence of a narrator and the fact the Muppet's version is a musical.  The music is quite nice, although not particularly catchy.  Like it's always enjoyable hearing the Muppets sing, but there's no "Cabin Fever" smash hit like they have from Muppet Treasure Island.  The best song in my opinion is probably this one:

I threw in "Cabin Fever" for a little comparison.  Also because everyone should listen to it again, then one or two more times.

The other difference I mentioned was a narrator, and in a way there were actually two.  Gonzo and Rizzo play Charles Dickens and Rizzo, respectively.  They're present in every scene, even when they're hidden in the background (which can actually be kinda fun to try and spot where they are).  Gonzo also drops from great lines like "If you liked this, you should read the book!"

Being obviously more lighthearted than P-Stew's, as well as using Muppets, which is basically cheating when it comes to winning me over, made for an immensely entertaining and endearing movie.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 7 out of 10 hugs

12/11-A Christmas Carol (1999)

When doing a movie marathon like this, inevitably people will suggest movies like The Muppet Christmas Carol or Scrooged, which are perfectly good suggestions, but as those are both creative adaptations of the Dickens novel, it behooved me to see a more traditional retelling first so that I can compare.

And this was definitely a serious adaptation.

I've used the term cartoonishly evil a few times already on this blog, to the point where it was starting to become a theme, and this story seems to be the origin of that Christmas trope with its character, Ebenezer Scrooge.  Scrooge is a covetous, penny-pinching, crotchety old man who runs a money-lending business.  His former partner, Marley, died on Christmas Eve seven years prior.  Examples of his douchebaggery include not adding even one additional coal to the fire because that costs money, even though his employees are freezing, as well as refusing to give any money to charity or carolers.

"Are there no prisons?  Are there no workhouses?" he says in response to who will help the needy young.  Basically, in Scrooge's mind all the urchins should be rounded up and either put in prison or sent to a factory that would be illegal by today's child labor laws.  Like it's almost a joke how much of a dick he is, but he needs to be for his character arc.

Anyway, it's Christmas eve, he's declined his nephew's (played by McNulty from the Wire!) invitation to join his family for Christmas dinner and complained about his employee Bob Cratchit requesting Christmas day off because no one will be coming in anyway.  Upon arriving home and dressing like a stereotypical old timey man, he is visited by the ghost of Marley who warns that his shitty ways will catch up to him if he doesn't change and he'll be visited by three ghosts to really hammer in that fact.

And just in case you've never read, scene, or even heard of A Christmas Carol, those three ghosts are the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.  And these guys are pretty self explanatory, but I will discuss them briefly anyway.

GC-Past appears as an albino elf, more or less, and takes Scrooge on a journey through his past.  First seeing his boyhood years at boarding school, where he often wouldn't go home for Christmas, that is until his sister personally comes to get him.  The sister is McNulty's mom, who has passed in the current timeline.  Fast forward a little to his young adulthood at his first job.  Although this place had very strict rules, they still shut down for a festive Christmas party.  Here he meets a nice lady with whom he has a pretty serious relationship, but in the final flashback, we see the two split.  Reliving these painful memories is starting to get to Scrooge.

GC-Present is a large, lumbering man who goes about sprinkling Christmas magic on people.  In addition to showing Scrooge all the people around the world currently celebrating, he brings the old codger to two of his acquaintances' houses.  First, we see Bob Cratchit and his insanely large number of children, the youngest of whom is an invalid boy named Tiny Tim.  Scrooge didn't know any of this and seems to show some empathy for the boy and his family.  He sees how happy they are with very little simply because they have each other.  Bob even wants to give a toast to Scrooge, but his wife questions why they'd toast to the health of such a douche.  The ghost tells Scrooge that if this progress the way the are going, Tim will die soon.  We also see McNulty's party, where again people are happy simply being together and also take time out of their conversation to bash on Scrooge and his humbug-ness.  I guess Scrooge never realized that people think he's a dick until witnessing it himself.

And finally, GC-Future shows up, appearing as a tall shadowy dildo with glowing yellow eyes.  This ghost doesn't do any talking, just points and let the visions do all the work.  Basically, Scrooge sees a number of people talking about the death of someone that no one seems to care about, then he witnesses several people selling stolen goods from the recently deceased.  In the final vision, Scrooge sees his own grave and realizes that he was obviously the guy everyone was talking shit about.  He pleads that he will change, that he will not be such an overly-frugal dickhead, but falls into the coffin with his own corpse and then wakes up in his own bed on Christmas morning.

It's not too late!  And he has really changed!  He tells a street urchin to go buy a giant turkey and send it to the Cratchits.  He also visits McNulty and joins the party.  And finally goes to church and sings with the congregation, completely showing his transformation into not a huge douchebag.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/10-Die Hard (1988)

I know that everyone says how this is a Christmas movie and gush over its unconventional Christmas themes, but it had been so long since I'd seen the original Die Hard that in my head, it was solely an action movie that happened to take place on Christmas.  But no, I was very much wrong and everyone else is very correct in saying this is a Christmas movie, not only that, but it's an excellent Christmas movie.

The plot centers on it, and not just in passing, like "oh look at me, I'm just a regular movie, but I happen to take place during Christmas, so people call me a Christmas movie," but in a way that the plot wouldn't really work if it weren't Christmas.  Also, the music is riddled with Christmas songs melded in with the score.

That song is not in Die Hard, but it is from a Bob's Burgers episode where Gene writes a Die Hard musical, and it's pretty much spot it.  You should probably check it out.

But back to the movie itself, it begins with New York cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) on a plane heading to LA to see his wife and kids.  Something is obviously funky with their relationship, but we don't really know what it is.  They aren't divorced, but things are rocky.  He arrives at her work, Nakatomi Tower, where they are having their Christmas party.  Random note: Minneapolis mayor, Betsy Hodges is a die hard Die Hard fan and has a cat named Nakatomi.  First thing he notices is that his wife is using her maiden name.

They reunite, only to have a slight tiff, so she leaves him in her office unwind from the trip while she does some office obligations like giving a speech.  Alone, he takes off his socks and shoes to try a relaxation technique that the guy next to him on the plane recommended.  This is important because while he is barefoot, gunshots begin to go off as the party is taken hostage by a small terrorist cell.  Being a badass cop, he immediately goes into survival mode by gathering info while staying hidden from the terrorists, but he was so gung-ho, he didn't have time to put his shoes back on.

Interesting note on the terrorists, they are all European, just like every other movie made prior to 9/11.  Remember Gary Oldman from Air Force One? European.  Bad guys in Goldeneye?  European.  Although to be fair, in Executive Decision, the lead terrorist is a European playing someone of unspecified Middle Eastern origin.

Honestly, I'm not going to say more about the plot because it's awesome and intriguing, with fun turns throughout.  If you've seen it, then you already know this, but if you haven't then I don't want to spoil it.  What I will say is that Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) is a fantastic bad guy.  He's cunning and ruthless, but also intelligent, who using both shock and awe as well as finesse for his flawlessly planned crime.  Of course, you can't plan for a glitch like John McClane.

It's not terribly heartwarming, but sometimes you just need a little terrorist ass-kicking to get your holiday jollies.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/9-Switchmas (2012)

Christmas is for everyone, or

Jews say the funniest things!

For Ira Finkelstein, Christmas is something that's not for him.  As a young Jewish boy living in California, he's never even seen real snow.  But all that's about to change because he and his parents are going to Aspen for the holidays!  That is until those plans fall through because his dad, an up-and-coming movie producer pushes up production on his new film.  Now he's going to Florida for the holidays to visit with his grandparents while his parents make the movie.  I'm not kidding, his Jewish grandparents live in Florida.  Oy vey (by the way, the first oy makes an appearance at just four minutes in).

During his layover at O'hare, he meets another unaccompanied minor, Mikey who's going to Christmastown, WA to visit cousins.  Simply hearing the phrase Christmastown makes Ira light up with joy.  Of course Mikey is not excited for more snow (living in Chicago) nor for the fact that he has to bring a picture with him to find his cousins because they've never actually met.  This sets the stage for the real plot, Mikey pretends to be Ira and heads to Florida, while Ira becomes Mikey and goes to Christmastown.  And everything works out perfectly.

Haha, I'm obviously kidding because then there would be no movie.

Guess if this is Mikey or Ira

On Mikey's trip, he successfully finds Ira's grandparents.  Elliot Gould plays the living stereotype of a grandpa.  He's also the only name you will recognize and gets top-billing, despite being maybe the fourth-largest role.  Gould is demonstrating his amazing ability to take any role as long as the two descriptions of the character are Jewish and over-the-top (looking at you, Elliot in Mulaney).  So because Jews are awesome (which really could have been the title for this), they welcome Mikey (thinking it's Ira) with open arms, heaps of compliments, food, and a dictionary's worth of Yiddishisms.

On the other side of the country, Ira is enamored with the idea of Christmastown, but quickly realizes that it's not all that amazing.  First of all, Mikey's parents are divorced and his cousins' parents are clearly having some marital problems, due to the father losing his job and taking to the drink.  I'm not saying that the film is trying to editorialize anything, but the Jews we see all have happy, complete families, while the Christian ones are either broken homes or struggling to stay together (spoiler, this somewhat changes by the end).

Not only the family issues, but Ira also learns that a cartoonishly mean bully named Jack the Jerk "runs" the town and makes Ira's first day miserable.  He also has a pit bull named Killer, who of course is actually a very nice dog.  About to lose hope in the magic of Christmastown, Ira meets a Jewish Santa (Jewish Santa? "Of course, who else would work on Christmas?" This was the best line from the movie) who explains all the amazing things that Jews have done for Christmas, which mainly focuses on all the Christmas movies and songs that were written by Jews.  More or less, it's a "Jews control the media" bit, even when it revolves around Christmas.  But this gives Ira the idea to follow in his father's footsteps and produce a Christmas pageant!

And because Ira's journey starts poorly and gets better, Mikey's starts great and goes downhill, leading to him breaking his arm.  Ira's parents fly to Florida to make sure he's okay and, of course, discover that Mikey is not Ira.  The group freak-out leads to the final setpiece of all the families (Mikey's mom and cousins, as well as Ira's parents and grandparents) present at the pageant.  And no one is mad because Christmas is so amazing!

For a silly premise, this movie actually had some good laughs and nice moments, although I will fully admit that many of those may come from being Jewish and having Jewish grandparents spew a string of nonsense words at me whenever I'd see them.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/8-A Very Sunny Christmas (2009)

I know what you're thinking.  "Really, Ben? A day after watching the already-questionable made-for-TV movie, you watch what's essentially an extended episode of TV?"  Well, two things.  Number one, I mentioned in 12 Dates of Christmas about what a staple of the holiday season TV Christmas specials are.  And number two, this was released direct to DVD a year before it aired on TV, so it's basically a real movie, just half the length.  But within those 45 minutes, there's every bit as much Christmas cheer as any full-length movie.  Maybe even more so.

In short, A Very Sunny Christmas explores the Christmas traditions of the gang, and we see that most of their childhoods seem to explain parts of their character.

The plot is separated into two storylines; Mac and Charlie get back to their roots, but realize that their idyllic Christmas memories are not so perfect, and on the other side of things, Dennis and Dee try to get back at Frank using a Christmas Carol type haunting, but of course nothing goes right.

In the opening scene, we see Mac and Charlie putting up decorations on Christmas eve, because their tradition every year is to drink to much egg nog, pass out, then put everything up at the last minute.  Dennis an Dee on the other hand, hate Christmas because Frank would also do what he called "fake outs" on them, which included either wrapped, empty boxes or buying himself the presents the kids wanted.  This comes to its ultimate culmination at the beginning of this special when Frank pulls up to the bar in a Lamborghini Countach with some fancy designer bag, Dennis and Dee's respective dream gifts.

Matching leather race suit and all

Again, Frank does this to rub his wealth in his kids' faces, insisting that nothing in life is free or will be given to you, you have to work for it.  This, of course, comes from a man who made his fortune by stealing from his business partner, whom he thinks is dead.  Dennis and Dee use that fact to organize their Christmas Carol ploy, with the presumed dead partner as their ghost of Christmas past.  Of course Frank has no scruples, so none of their emotional pandering do anything to change his mind.

On the other side of things, Mac relives an early Christmas through an old home video he finds.  You see, he loved the south Philly tradition of every Christmas, you'd go house to house, taking one present from each home and then the next family would come in.  As it turns out, this is not a neighborhood tradition, it's more of a tradition only done by criminals.  Yes, they were simply stealing from the other homes.

Shaken by this realization, they head to Charlie's mom's house to really get the spirit back.  Here, they are greeted with cookies and music.  Charlie even mentions his excitement for the Santas to come.  As in more than one.  When Mac asks him to elaborate, Charlie explains that when he was young, a parade of Santas would come to his house, each bringing a gift and then visiting with his mom to cheer her up.  But as Mac quickly points out, "I think your mom was a whore; I think she banged all those Santas so you could get presents."  This leads to a truly magical scene that can unfortunately can only be found online from someone filming their TV, so the quality is not up to the same standards as the scene itself.

In addition, the special also includes a scene in that classic holiday special claymation, which I know is not actually clay, but easier than saying weird polymer-mation.  Anyway, there's a lot to like in this special, even if you are mostly just reminded at how horrible these people are.  And because of that, it makes this one a tricky video to rate.  On one hand, it's not particularly heart-warming from a sentimentalist's standpoint.  On the other hand, laughter is the best medicine and this jabroni is hilarious.  So in a first for this blog, I will actually give it two ratings!

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 3 out of 10 hugs, 8 out of 10 laughs

12/7-12 Dates of Christmas (2011)

Diet Christmas Groundhog Day

I decided that I had been watching too many movies that I either knew I liked, or at least thought I could tolerate, so it was time to break into Netflix's endless supply of sappy, crappy holiday movies, many of which (this one included) are ABC Family movies, so they have that nice wholesome feel.  In addition, I was intrigued simply by the cast; Amy Smart and Zack Morris?  Seems like a good deal.  If this was made a decade earlier with this cast, it would have been a major motion picture, instead of this made-for-TV business.

But alas!  Let's not prejudge this movie.  After all, the Christmas TV special is a cornerstone of any decent sitcom, so why shouldn't that same holiday spirit apply to this movie?

And I gotta admit, I didn't hate this.  I mean, it wasn't great, but I really stuck with it and even felt something for the characters by the end.

So, what's it all about?

[In 90s movie trailer voice] Kate (Amy Smart) is a gal who knows what she wants.  She's got a plan to win back her exboyfriend and she's sticking to it, even if that means blowing off Miles (Zack Morris [Mark-Paul Gosslar]) on their blind date.  But when she finds out her ex is engaged on Christmas eve, fate steps in to give her another chance *RECORD SCRATCH* or twelve! This Christmas, there'll be lords-a-leapin' to see these turtle doves get their golden rings, in ABC Family's 12 Dates of Christmas!

But seriously, she's set up on this blind date with handsome Miles and abandons him to meet up with her ex with whom she still thinks she has a chance of getting back together.  Unfortunately he's planning to propose to his new lady that night.  Sad about her ex and sad about being shitty to the hot Miles, she falls asleep with a shopping channel on.  While selling a partridge necklace, the clock strikes midnight (officially Christmas) and magic happens!  The clock turns back!  She gets to live Christmas eve all over again!

At first she thinks it's Christmas, then she thinks she's crazy, then she just starts to go with it.  By Christmas eve number 3 or 4, she's really letting go and doing whatever the eff she wants, which is learning more and more about Miles, while also helping random people.  I will say, the more we learn about Miles, the more cartoonish he becomes.  Everything about him seems like it was picked out of a Prince Charming catalog.  On the first date, we learn he plays hockey, but nothing more is said about it.  But on a subsequent Christmas eve, Kate learns he actually coaches hockey.  But not just regular kids, which would be endearing enough, he coaches kids who live in a group home, you know the ones who don't have a real family so Miles does his best to be their family.  It's laid on pretty thickly.

At the same time, Kate, who starts out fairly unlikable, becomes much more considerate of others as she progresses through her Groundhog Day-esque cycling day.  It's almost heartwarming until you think a little more critically and realize that she's doing these things because they don't matter and whatever she does gets reset at midnight.  I think the idea is that she'll continue to be this newer, nicer person once she's out of her time loop, but we don't really get to see it, so I'm free to speculate.

I didn't make this, but it's perfect

Anyway, it's kinda cute as a whole.  If you were curious what Groundhog Day would be like if it were about Christmas and had to appeal to the lowest common denominator, then give this a watch, you probably won't be disappointed.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/6-Bad Santa (2003)

Continuing in the vein of not-so-traditional Christmas films, Bad Santa is a dark comedy heist film that centers on drunken safe-cracker who poses as a mall Santa and robs said malls with the help of his dwarf (the word he uses to describe himself) friend, who dresses as an elf.  That may sound like I gave a lot away there, but really you find that all out in the first five minutes, so I didn't spoil shit.

If me cursing right there offended you in any way, I recommend you maybe skip this movie.  This is not a holiday classic that you dust off to watch with Grandma on Christmas morning.  That is, of course, unless Granny uses phrases like "fuck-stick" and "you ain't gonna shit right for a month" (the latter of which is said by Santa while fornicating in the plus-sized women's dressing room).  But if you are like me and find those phrases hilarious, then congratulations!  We may have just found a perfect movie for you.

First things first, Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) is an asshole.  Like not necessarily the meanest person in the world, but he definitely cares about no one except himself.  Scratch that, he doesn't care about anyone, himself included, seeing as he drinks himself incontinent on multiple occasions.  I didn't realize it until now (which you don't know this, but there was a several hour break between the previous sentence and now) but what I just said is basically exactly what the tagline on the poster is.

It sounds dumb on the poster, but actually makes for an interesting character.  Or at least one that is easy to make interesting.  Because he is so shitty, even the slightest amount of goodness that he exhibits seems like he's performing miracles, or at least mitzvahs (shout out to those excited for Hannukah).  The real star of the movie, however, is the odd and ever agreeable Sherman Merman.

Yes, that is snot oozing from both nostrils.

Although that's his name, Willie spends the whole movie calling him kid.  IMDB even lists him as "The Kid" (not to be confused with that garbage movie, The Kid, starring Bruce Willis and the annoying elf from Santa Clauses 2 and 3).  Basically, this kid visits Willie-Santa at the mall, seeming to think he's really Santa.  Later, Willie is attacked by a strange man and the kid is able to nut-kick the assailant, which leads to the following scene, which is a good representation of this kid's character.

While dropping him off, Willie learns that the kid lives alone with his grandma.  Saint that he is, he walks the kid to the door with a ski mask and a pipe, clearly ready to rob them, but when the grandma sees this obvious thief and doesn't freak out, he realizes that she's incredibly senile and decides to milk the situation rather than just smash and grab.  He soon comes to stay at this house as his other residence was being watched by some unknown entity (although we know it is likely the mall chief of security trying to dig up dirt on this shady Santa).

Lot's of hijinks ensue and there's something of a heartwarming ending, at least for such a dark and raunchy comedy.  If nothing else gets you, this was John Ritter's last movie.  He plays the mall manager who is arguably overly-sensitive, but never confronts anyone about it because he doesn't want to offend them.  In addition, another untimely-deceased actor, Bernie Mac, plays the only-a-little-nonsense chief of security.  Also, the mom from Gilmore Girls plays a woman with a Santa fetish.  The phrase "fuck me, Santa" is heard more than once.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs