12/2-The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

You know a sequel is going to be good when it comes out nearly a decade after its predecessor, especially when it's a kids franchise, because if the producers are willing to put down the kind of cash it takes to make one of these movies when the original's target audience have aged out of the Santa-believing demographic, it must be great.

That run-on sentence was of course sarcastic and this movie was pretty terrible.

But since it's a joyful time of year, let's not be negative!  Let's focus on the positive things!  Like the whole cast from the original returns!  Even the kid, who is figuratively a different person thanks to a little thing called puberty.  Speaking of puberty!  David Krumholtz also returns as the only post-pubescent elf, just two years before playing the Jewish stoner, Goldstein, in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Not from The Santa Clause 2

Anyway, Charlie (the kid) is now in middle school, I think, and he's shown in his first scene to have become a naughty boy.  For the record, I hate that phrasing, but I use it because they play a song that just kept saying naughty boy in between other terrible lyrics while he spray paints some dope, anti-principal tags in the gym.  He is of course caught by said principal, played by the blonde lady from Lost.

In searching "blonde lost lady," I was reminded there were
a lot of blondes on that show.  But this is the one I meant.

So back in the North Pole, Bernard (Krumholtz) and Curtis, vice-head elf (played by the obnoxious Spencer Breslin) inform Santa that there was another hidden stipulation on the Santa contract.  Santa must get married within a year of becoming him, which happens to be in a month when the movie starts.  They call it the "Mrs. clause."  Buh-dum-chee is right.  So if he fails to find a wife, the de-santa-fication process will revert him completely to his old Scott Calvin self.

But that's not all!

They also have the unfortunate task of informing Santa that "Charlie is on the naughty list."

"Sheen? I thought he straightened out?"

That joke is much funnier now that Sheen is a crazy person again.

We also meet the Council of Legendary Figures, which is just a stellar cast.  We've got Lana from Archer as Mother Nature, Peter Boyle (Tim Allen's boss from the first one) as Father Time, Kevin Pollack (one of the usual suspects from The Usual Suspects) as Cupid, Lt. Worf from TNG as the Sandman, a that guy as the Tooth Fairy, and a creepy animatronic puppet as the Easter Bunny.

Nightmare fuel

Santa realizes he's in a tough situation because he needs to be in the North Pole to make sure everything is ready for Christmas, but he also needs to go back to America to deal with Charlie and find a wife.  So Curtis has the brilliant idea to essentially clone Santa using their toy maker, which clearly can't go wrong because cloning never goes wrong.

I am, of course, being sarcastic again.

Weird, plastic, life-sized toy-Santa goes mad with power and becomes the antagonist for the film.  But we'll get more into that later.  First, let's look at the creepy guy!

The real one is on the right... I think?

They give toy-Santa the rulebook, to which he says, "rules are very important to me," which might as well be accompanied by a huge marque, flashing "foreshadowing!"

Back in normal-land, Scott (who is rapidly losing weight and his beard) gets set up on a date with Molly Shannon, who seems perfect because she loves Christmas and seems kooky enough to marry someone less than a month after meeting.  Unfortunately, after Scott doesn't react the way she wanted him to after her impromptu musical number, she bolts.

Luckily though, because of having to meet with the Lost principal so much, Scott and she begin to have a rapport.  And through the use of his magic, woos her quite easily and *SPOILER ALERT* she becomes the Mrs. Claus.  By the way, her name is Carol, a not so subtle Christmas reference.

Meanwhile, toy-Santa has gone full-military, creating an army of hand-painted toy soldiers, which he describes as highly decorated (Yes! Wordplay!).  He also checks the naughty/nice list with an iron fist, doling out coal to nearly every child for doing kid-stuff that is totally not naughty list material.  Like casually wiping a booger on someone else (that's from the movie).

Basically Nazi Santa

So real Santa returns, they have a fight of sorts and the doppelganger is apprehended, and Scott marries Carol.  He is returned to his full-figured, Santa self and delivers all the presents!  The end!

So like I said at the beginning, pretty terrible.  Perfectly watchable, even enjoyable at times, but in the end, it was just lacking the honesty and the heart that made the first one so great.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 3 out of 10 hugs