12/6-Bad Santa (2003)

Continuing in the vein of not-so-traditional Christmas films, Bad Santa is a dark comedy heist film that centers on drunken safe-cracker who poses as a mall Santa and robs said malls with the help of his dwarf (the word he uses to describe himself) friend, who dresses as an elf.  That may sound like I gave a lot away there, but really you find that all out in the first five minutes, so I didn't spoil shit.

If me cursing right there offended you in any way, I recommend you maybe skip this movie.  This is not a holiday classic that you dust off to watch with Grandma on Christmas morning.  That is, of course, unless Granny uses phrases like "fuck-stick" and "you ain't gonna shit right for a month" (the latter of which is said by Santa while fornicating in the plus-sized women's dressing room).  But if you are like me and find those phrases hilarious, then congratulations!  We may have just found a perfect movie for you.

First things first, Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) is an asshole.  Like not necessarily the meanest person in the world, but he definitely cares about no one except himself.  Scratch that, he doesn't care about anyone, himself included, seeing as he drinks himself incontinent on multiple occasions.  I didn't realize it until now (which you don't know this, but there was a several hour break between the previous sentence and now) but what I just said is basically exactly what the tagline on the poster is.

It sounds dumb on the poster, but actually makes for an interesting character.  Or at least one that is easy to make interesting.  Because he is so shitty, even the slightest amount of goodness that he exhibits seems like he's performing miracles, or at least mitzvahs (shout out to those excited for Hannukah).  The real star of the movie, however, is the odd and ever agreeable Sherman Merman.

Yes, that is snot oozing from both nostrils.

Although that's his name, Willie spends the whole movie calling him kid.  IMDB even lists him as "The Kid" (not to be confused with that garbage movie, The Kid, starring Bruce Willis and the annoying elf from Santa Clauses 2 and 3).  Basically, this kid visits Willie-Santa at the mall, seeming to think he's really Santa.  Later, Willie is attacked by a strange man and the kid is able to nut-kick the assailant, which leads to the following scene, which is a good representation of this kid's character.

While dropping him off, Willie learns that the kid lives alone with his grandma.  Saint that he is, he walks the kid to the door with a ski mask and a pipe, clearly ready to rob them, but when the grandma sees this obvious thief and doesn't freak out, he realizes that she's incredibly senile and decides to milk the situation rather than just smash and grab.  He soon comes to stay at this house as his other residence was being watched by some unknown entity (although we know it is likely the mall chief of security trying to dig up dirt on this shady Santa).

Lot's of hijinks ensue and there's something of a heartwarming ending, at least for such a dark and raunchy comedy.  If nothing else gets you, this was John Ritter's last movie.  He plays the mall manager who is arguably overly-sensitive, but never confronts anyone about it because he doesn't want to offend them.  In addition, another untimely-deceased actor, Bernie Mac, plays the only-a-little-nonsense chief of security.  Also, the mom from Gilmore Girls plays a woman with a Santa fetish.  The phrase "fuck me, Santa" is heard more than once.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs