12/7-12 Dates of Christmas (2011)

Diet Christmas Groundhog Day

I decided that I had been watching too many movies that I either knew I liked, or at least thought I could tolerate, so it was time to break into Netflix's endless supply of sappy, crappy holiday movies, many of which (this one included) are ABC Family movies, so they have that nice wholesome feel.  In addition, I was intrigued simply by the cast; Amy Smart and Zack Morris?  Seems like a good deal.  If this was made a decade earlier with this cast, it would have been a major motion picture, instead of this made-for-TV business.

But alas!  Let's not prejudge this movie.  After all, the Christmas TV special is a cornerstone of any decent sitcom, so why shouldn't that same holiday spirit apply to this movie?

And I gotta admit, I didn't hate this.  I mean, it wasn't great, but I really stuck with it and even felt something for the characters by the end.

So, what's it all about?

[In 90s movie trailer voice] Kate (Amy Smart) is a gal who knows what she wants.  She's got a plan to win back her exboyfriend and she's sticking to it, even if that means blowing off Miles (Zack Morris [Mark-Paul Gosslar]) on their blind date.  But when she finds out her ex is engaged on Christmas eve, fate steps in to give her another chance *RECORD SCRATCH* or twelve! This Christmas, there'll be lords-a-leapin' to see these turtle doves get their golden rings, in ABC Family's 12 Dates of Christmas!

But seriously, she's set up on this blind date with handsome Miles and abandons him to meet up with her ex with whom she still thinks she has a chance of getting back together.  Unfortunately he's planning to propose to his new lady that night.  Sad about her ex and sad about being shitty to the hot Miles, she falls asleep with a shopping channel on.  While selling a partridge necklace, the clock strikes midnight (officially Christmas) and magic happens!  The clock turns back!  She gets to live Christmas eve all over again!

At first she thinks it's Christmas, then she thinks she's crazy, then she just starts to go with it.  By Christmas eve number 3 or 4, she's really letting go and doing whatever the eff she wants, which is learning more and more about Miles, while also helping random people.  I will say, the more we learn about Miles, the more cartoonish he becomes.  Everything about him seems like it was picked out of a Prince Charming catalog.  On the first date, we learn he plays hockey, but nothing more is said about it.  But on a subsequent Christmas eve, Kate learns he actually coaches hockey.  But not just regular kids, which would be endearing enough, he coaches kids who live in a group home, you know the ones who don't have a real family so Miles does his best to be their family.  It's laid on pretty thickly.

At the same time, Kate, who starts out fairly unlikable, becomes much more considerate of others as she progresses through her Groundhog Day-esque cycling day.  It's almost heartwarming until you think a little more critically and realize that she's doing these things because they don't matter and whatever she does gets reset at midnight.  I think the idea is that she'll continue to be this newer, nicer person once she's out of her time loop, but we don't really get to see it, so I'm free to speculate.

I didn't make this, but it's perfect

Anyway, it's kinda cute as a whole.  If you were curious what Groundhog Day would be like if it were about Christmas and had to appeal to the lowest common denominator, then give this a watch, you probably won't be disappointed.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 4 out of 10 hugs

12/6-Bad Santa (2003)

Continuing in the vein of not-so-traditional Christmas films, Bad Santa is a dark comedy heist film that centers on drunken safe-cracker who poses as a mall Santa and robs said malls with the help of his dwarf (the word he uses to describe himself) friend, who dresses as an elf.  That may sound like I gave a lot away there, but really you find that all out in the first five minutes, so I didn't spoil shit.

If me cursing right there offended you in any way, I recommend you maybe skip this movie.  This is not a holiday classic that you dust off to watch with Grandma on Christmas morning.  That is, of course, unless Granny uses phrases like "fuck-stick" and "you ain't gonna shit right for a month" (the latter of which is said by Santa while fornicating in the plus-sized women's dressing room).  But if you are like me and find those phrases hilarious, then congratulations!  We may have just found a perfect movie for you.

First things first, Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) is an asshole.  Like not necessarily the meanest person in the world, but he definitely cares about no one except himself.  Scratch that, he doesn't care about anyone, himself included, seeing as he drinks himself incontinent on multiple occasions.  I didn't realize it until now (which you don't know this, but there was a several hour break between the previous sentence and now) but what I just said is basically exactly what the tagline on the poster is.

It sounds dumb on the poster, but actually makes for an interesting character.  Or at least one that is easy to make interesting.  Because he is so shitty, even the slightest amount of goodness that he exhibits seems like he's performing miracles, or at least mitzvahs (shout out to those excited for Hannukah).  The real star of the movie, however, is the odd and ever agreeable Sherman Merman.

Yes, that is snot oozing from both nostrils.

Although that's his name, Willie spends the whole movie calling him kid.  IMDB even lists him as "The Kid" (not to be confused with that garbage movie, The Kid, starring Bruce Willis and the annoying elf from Santa Clauses 2 and 3).  Basically, this kid visits Willie-Santa at the mall, seeming to think he's really Santa.  Later, Willie is attacked by a strange man and the kid is able to nut-kick the assailant, which leads to the following scene, which is a good representation of this kid's character.

While dropping him off, Willie learns that the kid lives alone with his grandma.  Saint that he is, he walks the kid to the door with a ski mask and a pipe, clearly ready to rob them, but when the grandma sees this obvious thief and doesn't freak out, he realizes that she's incredibly senile and decides to milk the situation rather than just smash and grab.  He soon comes to stay at this house as his other residence was being watched by some unknown entity (although we know it is likely the mall chief of security trying to dig up dirt on this shady Santa).

Lot's of hijinks ensue and there's something of a heartwarming ending, at least for such a dark and raunchy comedy.  If nothing else gets you, this was John Ritter's last movie.  He plays the mall manager who is arguably overly-sensitive, but never confronts anyone about it because he doesn't want to offend them.  In addition, another untimely-deceased actor, Bernie Mac, plays the only-a-little-nonsense chief of security.  Also, the mom from Gilmore Girls plays a woman with a Santa fetish.  The phrase "fuck me, Santa" is heard more than once.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 6 out of 10 hugs

12/5-The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Ah, yes, the eternal struggle with The Nightmare Before Christmas, is it a Halloween movie?  Is it a Christmas movie?  Or shockingly, is it somehow both?!

Facetiousness aside, I did think about watching this during my scary movie adventure, but in the end, I knew it wasn't wasn't that scary.  Slightly disturbing and a little morbid, yes, but it's also has this endearing quality to all of the horrible monsters; they're cute, essentially.  Morbid-orable really.

Ugh, it can literally never close its mouth,
but goddamn, I wanna snuggle it.

I'd also seen this film before, which I had been trying to avoid with the horror movies.  And that brings up an interesting schism between the genres.  Horror thrives on the fear of the unknown, which knowing what will happen from a previous viewing can ruin.  Whereas feel-good movies like ones focused on the holidays feed on happier emotions like joy.  And one of the best methods of evoking joy is through nostalgia, which rewatching a movie you like can easily instill.

Point is, regardless of Halloween or Christmas, this movie is most certainly a holiday movie, and that's what this whole blog is about: holiday movies.  And in case you need more proof it's a holiday movie, here's the opening scene (starting at 0:54.  You will also be treated to a jaunty tune if you keep watching.)

As you likely just heard if you watched the video, this movie is a musical.  But not only that, it's an awesome musical composed by Danny Elfman; you may remember him from achievements such as doing the music for The Simpsons and being a member of Oingo Boingo.  Most people will recognize "This is Halloween" or "What's this?" but every song is catchy and various levels of haunting.  Jack's Lament in particular is infinitely hummable.

But without further ado, let's talk about the movie itself.  The movie begins with Halloween Town celebrating Halloween, only to begin preparations for next year's festivities.  Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King (which no context is given to what this actually entails.  Like everyone looks up to him and he can persuade a whole town to change holidays [more on that later], but there's also a mayor who is "in charge."  It's just weird), clearly feels the monotony of it all.  And after lamenting himself through the forest, he stumbles upon the circle of holiday trees.  Choosing the Christmas door, seemingly at random, he's transported to a magical world of snow and joy and merriment.

Enamored by the concepts of Christmas that he discovers, he decides that he wants to do Christmas for the people of Christmas Town.  He enlists the help of Halloween Town to aid him in this endeavor, but although they are eager to help, they clearly still have a morbid side to them.  For example one of the townsfolk tries to wrap a turtle who's been run over.  In Halloween Town, that's a great gift, but not so much for a child in Christmas Town.

So Jack takes all his horror toys made by the fine monsters of Halloween Town and departs on his yuletide journey to bring happiness to the little children.  But as you can likely guess, they don't take kindly to the shrunken heads and the like.  The town goes on high alert as it attempts to stop this impostor Santa, going as far as literally shooting Jack out of the skies.

There's truly some beautiful imagery in the movie.

Now, one thing that I still don't really get is in this universe where these holiday towns exist, is there a just normal people world?  When Santa-Jack does his Christmas flight, we delivers to what looks like a typical American neighborhood.  And if that's the case, that there is this "real world" that tethers the holiday worlds together, why is it that the champion of Christmas, Santa, goes each year to the real world, bringing his magic and presents into reality, but the people of Halloween Town seem to just celebrate for their own sake.  Jack doesn't make a yearly venture into reality, bringing candy and fear to the little children, so why Santa?  And presumably, the Easter Bunny does as well.

I don't really have a point with this, I just think that it's interesting that the whole plot of the movie focuses on Jack being essentially bored with the self-serving basis for Halloween, as they simply do it for themselves.  Perhaps if Jack were to bring their Halloween to the real world, and have the reaction from real children, he would have that sense of fulfillment that Santa and his workers get each Christmas.

So in the end, Jack rescues Santa from Oogie Boogie (oh yeah, that happened, there was a whole song about.  Actually, two songs.) and Santa, although still kind of pissed about the whole kidnapping thing, reconciles with Jack and takes off to fix Christmas.  But as he leaves, it begins to snow, as if to say, I forgive you, Halloween Town.  Or, it's his way of saying fuck you.  I suppose it's open to interpretation, but I like the former.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 7 out of 10 hugs (Fair warning, it's probably more like 5 or 6, but remember when I talked about nostalgia impacting the feel-goods?  Well, yeah, I'm biased with this one, so hurumph)

12/4-Elf (2003)

What a delightful movie.

Elf begins with Bob Newhart (Papa Elf) telling the story of how Buddy the Elf came to be.  You see, about 30 years ago, Santa was delivering presents to an orphanage (where the cribs looked like prison cells), and baby Buddy broke out of his crib and crawled into Santa's sack (again, yes, they unfortunately call it his sack) looking for a teddy bear.  The baby is somehow not found until Santa is back at the pole, at which point Bob Newhart decides to adopt Buddy.

As Buddy grew up, he clearly didn't fit in.  After overhearing some elves talk about him being human, he runs home and confronts his dad, who tells him the truth, how he was found in an orphanage and who is real parents are.  So Buddy decides to leave for New York City, where his birth father lives.  But watch out, Santa warns, because Buddy's father is on the naughty list.

Before talking about the non-north pole part of the movie, I just wanted to say that I really dug the aesthetic of the north pole.  Everything had a kind of obviously fake, film set feel to it that made it seem sort of like those old claymation holiday specials.  I guess it helps that there actually are claymation characters hanging out in the north pole.  My favorite is a southern gentlemen snowman named Leon.

Now, I may just be a simple southern snowman,
but I do declare I have some worldly knowledge to give

Around this time, we start to get glimpses of the father in his work place, and boy is he a dick.  I mean, he's comically evil.  Evil is not the right word because he's not actively doing nefarious deeds, but he only cares about money to a cartoonish degree.  I'm a little surprised that we didn't see dollar signs in his eyes at any point in the movie.  To give you some examples, in his first scene, he denies donating books to a children's organization run by nuns and in his next, he refuses to reprint a batch of books because it would cost a boatload, even though the last two pages of the book were blank, a mistake he even made.  "They're just kids, they won't know the difference!"  He says in defense of his decision.

So Buddy arrives in New York and the movie basically becomes a fish-out-water film that's centered on Christmas, which isn't a bad thing.  Will Ferrell does the wide-eyed simpleton so well that all these gross and dumb things he does are endearing in way.  Particularly gagging moments are when he eats handrail gum an when he shoves his pop tart-marshmallow-sprinkles-syrup spaghetti mash in his mouth.  Really, the physical humor throughout the film is just great.

The rest of the movie plays out basically how you might expect.  He meets a cute girl (Zooey Deschanel, who is blonde in the movie and that's weird), has a fight with a fake Santa (poor Lego New York City!), and is eventually able to win over his father and everyone else.  Here's the fight in question, which contains one of my favorite lines from the movie.

Other things I liked:

-"Smiling is my favorite!"

-"I just wanted to meet you and thought maybe you might want to meet me."

-Director's cameo, Favreau always puts himself in his movies and I never care.

-Andy Richter and Kyle Gass playing terrible children's book authors.

-Peter Dinklage

-Matt Walsh

-Four horsemen bit

-Buddy is Sasquatch joke

Seriously, this gets me every time.

And the end left my face hurting, I was smiling so much.  When everyone starts singing together, I got goosebumps all over and even she a few tears of joy.  It was simply a pleasure to watch this movie.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 8 out of 10 hugs

12/3-The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

Before I say anything about this movie, I just want to say that I love Martin Short in literally everything he's done, and everything he's in is better for his presence.  I have seen every episode of the terrible Mulaney because of how much I love Martin Short.  I also love John Mulaney, but good God, that show is just bad.  I want so badly to like it, but I just can't.  That's not the point though, the point is, I've seen it because Martin Short is amazing.  He's amazing as Jiminy Glick, he's amazing as the theater teacher in Get Over It, and he's amazing as Uncle Jack from Arrested Development ("Swoop me!").

What I'm trying to say is that I like Martin Short, and that may or may not have affected my thoughts on this film.  Spoiler alert, it did.  This movie was pretty trash, but I loved it all the same.

Another side-note, it was kind of fun watching a franchise that spans a decade because you can see the subtle logo changes Disney made to their castle scene at the beginning of each movie.

So we open on Mrs. Claus teaching the little elves, or at least I assume they are little because they are in school, but it's impossible to really tell because the child elves look identical to the millennium-old elves.  Which makes it all the more humorous that Curtis clearly went through puberty in the four years between filming, as both his height increased more than you'd like for an elf, and his voice dropped.  But alas, just shut up and suspend your disbelief I remind myself.

We quickly learn that the Carol is pregnant and expecting any day now.  The Santa Clause movies seemed to adapt the Frankenstein franchise plan of introduce lead in the first, get him a wife in the second, and have a kid in the third (for the record, the Chucky movies did the same thing [and yes, I know, it's really the Child's Play series, but it wasn't until they dropped that name that they followed the Frankenstein model]).

She seems to be in labor and is rushed off to the elfirmary (the elf puns never stop amazing me).  By the way, a repeated background joke through all three movies is there is a "ballroom" in Santa's workshop that they never enter, but through the little window, you see balls flying across the room; more wordplay that I cannot get enough of.  But it turns out, the contractions were a false alarm.  The stress of the impending Christmas and baby are getting to both Clauses.

By the way, this doesn't affect the movie as a whole, but holy shit, check out the fireplace in Santa's room.

I wish it was animated to get the full, horrifying effect.

Like who has a magic fireplace that takes up an entire wall that is in the shape of your own face in your bedroom?  Santa Claus is apparently who,

We again meet the Council of Legendary Figures, who have called a special meeting to determine the punishment for Jack Frost (my man Martin) who has been trying to steal Santa's thunder with a new holiday, working titled Frost-mas.  The first really disappointing thing about this movie, is that Jack isn't completely blue like he is on the poster.  He's got frosted hair and an icicle tie, but he's not blue like the Kree.  But color aside, Frost can chew the scenery like nobody's business.

He convinces the council of his remorse for his crimes and suggests that he help Santa with all the business surrounding Christmas, what with his child coming soon as well.  They agree, but not before mentioning "the escape clause" which clearly piques Frost's interest, though he doesn't totally know what it is.  He clearly has ulterior motives, but no one seems to notice or care because they are all idiots, or more likely, it's a dumb sequel to a sequel to a kids movie.

Plus, he's got a trust-worthy face.

So in order to help ease Carol's stress, Santa decides to invite her parents to the North Pole for Christmas.  But in order to maintain the SOS (secret of Santa), he concocts a clever ruse to turn the North Pole village into a Canadian village.  It's one of those things, where it's so stupid, yet I still found myself smiling at the concept.  Jack Frost does a good job with all his tasks in order to solidify the idea that he is genuinely sorry for what he did.  With his new respect, he manipulates Curtis into explaining the escape clause.  Basically there's a room filled with snow globes and if Santa picks up his personal globe and says a specific phrase, he's magically returned to just before he became Santa.

In Santa's trip to America to pick up the in-laws, he learn some valuable things.  Number one, Judge Reinhold wears a Cosby-sweater vest.  It changes everything I though I knew about Cosby-sweaters.  And number two, Carol's dad is played by the marvelous Alan Arkin, who's an intense DIY handyman.  This is as good a time as any to say that the reindeer were my least favorite characters because they just spoke nonsense in a really dumb voice and farted.  Now, I like dumb-voice nonsense like the minions in Despicable Me and I like fart jokes, but both aspects were just completely unmotivated.  I want to know *why* it's farting, and how does it affect the scene that he farted.  These are what makes farts funny.

Anyway, Frost begins sabotaging the different departments and driving a wedge between Santa and Carol and her family.  Leading up to him stealing Scott's snow globe for some obviously nefarious deed.  When he's caught be Scott's niece and accused of being put on the naughty list, he drops this truth bomb on her: "Naughty list people have more fun."

That's just real life being laid out for everyone to see.

Unfortunately for Mr. Frost and those on the naughty list, their fun tends to catch up to them.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After more needling, Santa and his in-laws have a big fight, leaving Scott to walk away and compose himself.  Frost comes to comfort him, but really just tricks Santa into saying the magic phrase while holding his snow globe.  Jack latches onto Scott as the two are transported through time and space back to the night Scott became Santa from the first movie, only this time, Jack beats him to the suit, becoming Santa.  Side note, they changed the belt in this one.  You'd think that they would match the suits perfectly since they have the original on hand, but alas, they didn't.  I guess after 12 years, somethings just fall through the cracks.

Weird.

When Jack becomes Santa, Scott is poofed to present day (12 years later) but in the timeline where he didn't become Santa.  So he's at the top of the toy company, driving a Ferrari, but he never became a better father and friend to his ex-wife.  He also learns that Frost-Santa has turned the North Pole into an amusement park, where everything (even the nice list) runs on cash.  It's the most unsubtle critique of the commercialization of Christmas you can imagine.  Also, funny thing to note, the only cash you see being accepted at the North Pole is the US dollar.  We also hear the wonderful line over the loudspeaker, "How much your parents love you is determined by how much they spend."

This place clearly sucks.  The kids are all spoiled, the parents are deflated, and the elves look like they want to kill themselves.  But Scott quickly devises a plan to fool Frost-Santa into using the escape clause as well.  Long story, short, it works and everything ends happily.  Alan Arkin learns Scott is really Santa and they're not in Canada in a very endearing way, the kind of thing only Alan Arkin can pull off.  And Frost's frozen heart is melted through the power of a hug.

Again, all in all, I liked this movie.  The escape clause stuff is a fun way to introduce young people to the idea of time travel and alternate timelines.  And although I didn't shed any tears, I was feeling nice and tingly inside at parts, especially Arkin's revelation.  Definitely an improvement over the
second installment, at least in the heart department.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 5 out of 10 hugs

12/2-The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

You know a sequel is going to be good when it comes out nearly a decade after its predecessor, especially when it's a kids franchise, because if the producers are willing to put down the kind of cash it takes to make one of these movies when the original's target audience have aged out of the Santa-believing demographic, it must be great.

That run-on sentence was of course sarcastic and this movie was pretty terrible.

But since it's a joyful time of year, let's not be negative!  Let's focus on the positive things!  Like the whole cast from the original returns!  Even the kid, who is figuratively a different person thanks to a little thing called puberty.  Speaking of puberty!  David Krumholtz also returns as the only post-pubescent elf, just two years before playing the Jewish stoner, Goldstein, in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

Not from The Santa Clause 2

Anyway, Charlie (the kid) is now in middle school, I think, and he's shown in his first scene to have become a naughty boy.  For the record, I hate that phrasing, but I use it because they play a song that just kept saying naughty boy in between other terrible lyrics while he spray paints some dope, anti-principal tags in the gym.  He is of course caught by said principal, played by the blonde lady from Lost.

In searching "blonde lost lady," I was reminded there were
a lot of blondes on that show.  But this is the one I meant.

So back in the North Pole, Bernard (Krumholtz) and Curtis, vice-head elf (played by the obnoxious Spencer Breslin) inform Santa that there was another hidden stipulation on the Santa contract.  Santa must get married within a year of becoming him, which happens to be in a month when the movie starts.  They call it the "Mrs. clause."  Buh-dum-chee is right.  So if he fails to find a wife, the de-santa-fication process will revert him completely to his old Scott Calvin self.

But that's not all!

They also have the unfortunate task of informing Santa that "Charlie is on the naughty list."

"Sheen? I thought he straightened out?"

That joke is much funnier now that Sheen is a crazy person again.

We also meet the Council of Legendary Figures, which is just a stellar cast.  We've got Lana from Archer as Mother Nature, Peter Boyle (Tim Allen's boss from the first one) as Father Time, Kevin Pollack (one of the usual suspects from The Usual Suspects) as Cupid, Lt. Worf from TNG as the Sandman, a that guy as the Tooth Fairy, and a creepy animatronic puppet as the Easter Bunny.

Nightmare fuel

Santa realizes he's in a tough situation because he needs to be in the North Pole to make sure everything is ready for Christmas, but he also needs to go back to America to deal with Charlie and find a wife.  So Curtis has the brilliant idea to essentially clone Santa using their toy maker, which clearly can't go wrong because cloning never goes wrong.

I am, of course, being sarcastic again.

Weird, plastic, life-sized toy-Santa goes mad with power and becomes the antagonist for the film.  But we'll get more into that later.  First, let's look at the creepy guy!

The real one is on the right... I think?

They give toy-Santa the rulebook, to which he says, "rules are very important to me," which might as well be accompanied by a huge marque, flashing "foreshadowing!"

Back in normal-land, Scott (who is rapidly losing weight and his beard) gets set up on a date with Molly Shannon, who seems perfect because she loves Christmas and seems kooky enough to marry someone less than a month after meeting.  Unfortunately, after Scott doesn't react the way she wanted him to after her impromptu musical number, she bolts.

Luckily though, because of having to meet with the Lost principal so much, Scott and she begin to have a rapport.  And through the use of his magic, woos her quite easily and *SPOILER ALERT* she becomes the Mrs. Claus.  By the way, her name is Carol, a not so subtle Christmas reference.

Meanwhile, toy-Santa has gone full-military, creating an army of hand-painted toy soldiers, which he describes as highly decorated (Yes! Wordplay!).  He also checks the naughty/nice list with an iron fist, doling out coal to nearly every child for doing kid-stuff that is totally not naughty list material.  Like casually wiping a booger on someone else (that's from the movie).

Basically Nazi Santa

So real Santa returns, they have a fight of sorts and the doppelganger is apprehended, and Scott marries Carol.  He is returned to his full-figured, Santa self and delivers all the presents!  The end!

So like I said at the beginning, pretty terrible.  Perfectly watchable, even enjoyable at times, but in the end, it was just lacking the honesty and the heart that made the first one so great.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 3 out of 10 hugs

12/1-The Santa Clause (1994)

The Santa Clause is truly a modern classic.

Scott Calvin (Tim Allen.  Also note the initials, classic foreshadowing) is a big executive at a big toy company that has the type of Christmas party that I don't think actually exists.  You know that kind that takes up a whole skyscraper lobby, replete with booze and live musicians, and apparently no family members either, which we learn because Tim Allen makes an adultery joke (Disney family values!).

Anyway, he is a divorced father who clearly doesn't set aside enough time for his kid.  We know this because when Charlie (the son) is dropped off for visitation rights on Christmas Eve, he can barely wait until his mom picks him up in the morning (like fewer than 12 hours later).  Oh, and it's very important to note that his mom's new man is Judge Reinhold playing a Cosby-sweater-wearing psychiatrist named Neil.

"My name is Judge"

Seriously, every movie is better with Judge Reinhold.  Ever see the Freaky Friday copy, Vice Versa, where JR and Fred Savage switch bodies?  Of course you haven't, but you should.  My parents have it on laser disc, so you can ask them to borrow it.  Also, who's your favorite character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High?  You're right, it's not Spicoli, it's Judge-Fucking-Reinhold.

I've gotten way off track.

So it's Christmas Eve, with disappointment after disappointment for Charlie.  First there doesn't seem to be that many presents, "But Santa hasn't come yet!" Scott reassures him.  But apparently, Neil has taken it upon himself to inform little Charlie that Santa isn't real, which Scott does his best to deny.  Scott then burns the turkey and seemingly everything to the point where they must venture into the city to find a restaurant that's open.

"You like osso buco?" Scott asks his five-year-old son.  Doesn't matter because the Italian place is closed.  In fact, everything is closed except for Denny's!  And inside there are exactly two kinds of costumers, Japanese businessmen (for some reason) and depressing divorced dads with their sad kids.

Basically this Christmas sucks for Charlie.

But wait!  What's that we hear?  A clatter on the roof!  What could it be?!

Scott freaks out, thinking it's an intruder, but obviously it's Santa Claus, who proceeds to fall off the roof and disappear.  I won't say die because the movie doesn't, but he's definitely dead.  In the Santa suit, is a card that reads:

Seems simple enough.  So Scott puts on the suit and gets in the sleigh, then the reindeer proceed to take him to the next house where Santa's magic sack (I think those are the words they use, but that could just be me editorializing) lifts him into and down the chimney with the correct presents in tow.

"Dad, you're flying!" Charlie exclaims.

"It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s." Scott coyly responds as a little wink to adults watching with their kids and the 20-somethings watching for fun.

Once they finish all the houses, the reindeer take them to the North Pole where they learn from the head elf (David Krumholtz) that upon putting on the suit, he has become Santa Claus forever, or until he dies like the other one (again, they don't say die, but they're taking about death).  Indeed, this is the clause referred to in the title, it is quite literally, the Santa clause, which if you can blow up the tiny red font above, you'll see.

I'd like to take a moment here to talk about the fact that this title blew my mind as a 4 and a half-year-old.  "Wait, you mean to tell me that a title can mean two different things, but are both still related to the subject at hand?"

Artist's depiction of 4-year-old Ben

But seriously, in memory, I thought title was more of a wink to the audience.  Like, yeah Tim Allen become Santa because of a clause on the card, but you have to kinda put two and two together; surely they don't come right out and say it.  Well actually, they do.  For like five minutes straight.  It's not subtle at all.  I probably wanted to think I was clever and got something a lot of other people didn't (like how in Face/Off, they have a face-off, but also, they literally take their faces off!) because I was an egotistically little shit (ha ha, past tense!)

Anyway, here's a terrible quality clip of said scene:

While we're on the subject of Bernard, who's idea was it to cast one of the most Jewish actors out there as the head elf?  Not only that, but he's slightly conniving with the contract.  I'd say its perpetuating stereotypes, but at the end of the day, he's playing an elf, so who gives a shit.

Also elf-related, the elves are played by children which brings up some weird things when you think too hard about it (probably a good thing you don't).  So they establish that the elves live a very long time, Bernard is 1200-years-old for example, but they still look like kids.  So in the workshop scene, even though the characters are all old, you still just see a bunch of kids working in a factory.  In addition, Tim Allen kinda flirts with one.  Again, not weird because of the characters, but a little odd if you haven't suspended your disbelief.

There are a number of delightful wordplay jokes, which you would expect from a movie whose conflict has its foundation in a homophone joke. My favorite is here, which is a take on the line "arose such a clatter."

In the end, this movie sleighed me (deal with it).  It has humor, it has heart, and it has some really nice messages for people of all ages.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up a little at the end.

Rating on the feel-good-o-meter: 7 out of 10 hugs